Life is . . .

a box of chocolates a mess.   I’m  a total disaster zone.  Seriously!  It is so obvious to those around me.  The destruction left behind from the recent storms that seem to have a path headed straight at our house/family have taken their toll on me.  There is no hiding it.  If you’ve had the pleasure of witnessing the storms the Lord has brought us through before or read the rough waters section of this blog, you’ll know that when the waves get rough it is rarely just one storm our family endures.  The dark clouds seem to linger right over our family.   At first I was very scared, then plain weary, & now I’m just gearing up for the big one – you know, just in case.

The thing is, no matter the destruction that rips at our family, I rest assured that the Lord is in complete control.  And I am trying very hard to not be like the foolish disciples & SCREAM at the top of my Texan lungs, “Lord do you see the storm?  WAKE UP!  I’m scared.”  Don’t get me wrong the thoughts are there.  My mind is a dangerous battlefield right now, but at the end of the day I know, I just know He will come through. 

So, what am I talking about? 

Mainly its my kids & I'm not sure where to begin.  Suddenly, I have felt so overwhelmed with these tasks He has assigned me.  I honestly feel a little like Noah probably did, “you want me to do what?”  I’m so overwhelmed & might even pick building an ark over all this mess.  I know without a doubt that being a mommy, “the other mom”, &  a homeschool mom is all a part of God’s plan for me, BUT it is so difficult at times.

Taylor leaving has left a deep hole in my heart.  Being judged, ridiculed, & enticed by the people she is living with has only dug the knife in deeper.  I lived in the ghetto, I have hung with ghetto, I have played on that dangerous playground.  Fortunately, God had much bigger plans for me.  But when faced with that type of person – the ghetto girl in me comes out!  Oh yes, homeschool momma to many has a ghetto side & believe it or not she ain’t pretty.  The thing is, I HATE that part of me.  I disgust myself with angery thoughts & I struggle to be the better (non-ghetto) person.  And more so, I struggle to be the Godly woman I so badly desire to be.  When a foolish man attacks my husband’s authority, taunts him with vulgar slurs, & accuses him of  being afraid to hold his ground – it is very hard for me to not pull off the gloves & fight back.  To add to the nastiness I am just disgusted in know our daughter sits by appearring to support & possibly condone such behavior.  I’m even more livid with the fact that someone that should love & protect her from such wickedness, instead glamorizes this type of “man” for lack of better words.  But the Lord has told me to BE STILL. 

And so as most fathers know their children best, mine does as well . . .  He knows sometimes I need a little distracting.  I need that coloring book & quiet toys to keep me still.  Only now, I’m a grown-up . . . Instead of coloring books & toys I look at the horizon & see it coming – another storm.  And just because He knows me so well – you better believe it – it is another child.  No, I’m not pregnant.  The storm is with my baby.  He is very sick & sick babies are typically fussy babies.  Without making this post any longer than it already is I will quickly summarize with explaining that Truman is 18 months old, weighs 18 pounds, & is sick more often than well.  Not a cough & runny-nose kinda sick though.  He is spiking crazy high fevers (104-106) for weeks on end.  He had a short 4 month break during the warm weather, but now as the sick season approaches his pattern of continual fevers (sometimes associated with a particular illness/cause, others not) begins again. Yesterday I sat in Children’s Hospital ER for hours with my baby.  I don’t really have any answers, but we were referred to a Hematologist.  I will update when I know more.  I cannot begin to explain the overwhelmingness of it all.  A daughter that is gone, a sick baby, homeschooling, etc.  Yes, I so badly want to scream, “LORD?!”  But then I am reminded of all the storms He has already brought us through.  I know without doubt that what He brings you too, He will also bring you through.

I can’t end this post without adding a little sunshine . . . This Thanksgiving I struggled with giving thanks.  As our families gathered & I was home with a very sick baby (who by the way, Big Daddy ended up staying home with, so I could have a much needed break & time with extended family), as our daughter was gone & not to be heard from . . . I knew the obvious things to be thankful for, but my heart just wasn’t feelin’ the holiday.  Then our other daughter came home.  Yes, our oldest daughter who rarely visits, spent a great deal of quality time with us.  We laughed, we cried, we enjoyed every stinkin’ minute of our time with her & I think she did too! 

And then, I heard from Taylor.  I would gladly post details, but I’m not sure who reads this blog & to protect her confidence I will not be sharing at this point.  She did e-mail me personally & instantly I felt as if a ton of bricks was lifted off of me.  I’m not positive, but I think her first visit home will be soon, so please pray for us.  

Now for the not-so- funny funny:  Tyler flipped off the back of a truck (intentionally) & his shin swelled about the size of a baseball.  Tucker shot himself in the foot with a bb gun.  And Big Daddy had a bullet explode in his hand at work while trying to unload a jammed gun he confiscated.  As for me, I have had a little trouble with the law myself.  Those rotten cops!  LOL  Yes, the police officer’s wife who hasn’t had a ticket in 10 years has received not one but two within less than a month!  And let me just say, I understand totally that I was in violation of the law & I know they were just doing their job – but good grief do they have to be so hateful?  I hope their wives burned their dinner those nights.  Especially the heartless one that gave me a ticket for speeding when I was on my way to the ER – which was 2 hours away.  Many thanks to the good ol’ Texas State Troopers!  May another officer repay the favor in the future! 

Life has been a mess.  It is a perfect mess though because God is in control of it all & His Word tells us that He only works for the good. 

Greatest Story

Some days your own resolve is strong
And other days you bend
it's two steps forward, one step back
and a stumble now and then
You wonder if you'll ever really make the difference
you've prayed that you will
Well, I know that prayer will be fulfilled 'cause

Your life woven day by day
is a new design of the glory God displays
on the canvas of creation
Through the poem of history
in the pattern of redemption
running through the tapestry
Your life in Christ can be
the greatest story ever told

You cannot see the hands of God
or feel the grace that flows
from Him through you to those you touch
In ways you'll never know
you cannot measure worth by human standards
That's always a lie
oh, you have to see through heaven's eyes how...

In the light of eternity
Standing face to face you will finally see
for the very first time you'll understand
your perfect place in the master plan and how...

Life–Just not feelin’ it . . .

THANK YOU SO MUCH for your kind words, encouragement, & most of all prayers.

The last few weeks I have really been for a loss of words.  Life just kinda stopped.  Then Truman got sick.  Which lasted nearly 2 weeks, but was probably a much needed distraction.  Although I am lacking a good nights sleep, I was able to regroup & focus on real life.  Slowly. 

I’ve thought a lot about blogging more again, but I’m just not feelin’ it like I used to.  I love my blog – I even gave it a little updated look.  I have a 100 things to blog about, I just lack enthusiasm when I sit at the computer.  Maybe I’m depressed.  Maybe this is God’s way of removing a distraction from my life. 

There are so many things to do, random thoughts running through my head, pictures to post, stories to tell, but I’m just not feelin’ it.

As for Taylor:  Big Daddy has began calling her once a week (he’s spoke to her twice).  She has yet to call us or talk to me.  A part of me is sad another part mad.  I can easily slip to a negative outlook, forgetting all the reasons that led to us making this decision.  Unfortunately, the rain has to pour, the thunder will roll, & lighting may strike.  The tornado will twist & there may even be destruction involved.  All before the rainbow is arched.  I just pray – for God’s will, His timing, lots of patience & peace.  I pray a lot.

The boys:  I’ve been asked how they are dealing with this.  I hate to say it, but they are totally okay.  Honestly, they haven’t asked many questions.  There is a huge amount of peace in our house right now.  The tension & walking on egg shells is gone.  In one way we gave up a lot of control, but in another gained so much back. 

Big D:  He is having a hard time.  He misses her & worries about her constantly.  Sadly, he knows the area she is living in & it is unsettling to say the least. 

I’m not sure what the future of my blog is.  Right now, I’m focusing on spending more time with God & getting back to some kind of a routine with the boys.  Taylor leaving, a very sick baby, deer season, & Tim on vacation has not made very many productive school days.  I have got to get it together. 

Ten

This one is the one. 

He is the one that made me a mama.

He is the one who completely changed my life.

Last night I tucked a sweet 9 year old boy into bed &

this morning I woke up to a 10 year old.

It seems like just yesterday this boys was only a babe.

Where has the time gone? 

Tyler Alec -

You just amaze me.  You are such a sweet kid & a wonderful son.  I hope you know how proud you make us.  I am so thankful God chose me to be your mommy.  You make me want to be the best mom, because you deserve nothing less.  Your sweet tender heart totally melts mine.  You never cease to make me smile . . . No matter what.  You have this way of brightening the day – You are my sunshine.  I am so blessed by your love.  Although, you are quickly growing into a young man & hangin’ more & more with you dad – you are still your mama’s boy.  I love it!  I love that you still call me mommy, hold my hand in public, snuggle on the couch with me, & are so protective of me.  Your diligence is remarkable son.  Your willingness to always help, your great attitude, & your hard work are all qualities I admire in you.  Some day you are going to make a fantastic husband & father, but for now – you are the BEST big brother EVER!!!!  You do your fair share of aggravating & instigating, but all-in-all you are just what a big brother is supposed to be.  I wonder if you’ll ever see the way your little brothers look up to you.  I wonder if you’ll realize what a compliment it is that they want to “copy” you & be just like you.  Regardless of what mess you make or how trying you can be – those big brown eyes get me every time.  You’ve become quite the charmers.  More than anything Ty, you are a light to the world.  You are a perfect example of a young man growing in Christ.  Your light is shinning baby!  Your faithfulness & trust in the Lord is a wonderful light to others (including your mom & dad).  I am so proud to be your mom, but even prouder to know that you love your Father.  I thank Him for you every night.  I love you more than words could tell.  Thank you for being such an awesome kid!

How Are Things?

It’s been 2 weeks since Taylor left.  So, how are things?

At first life sorta stood still.  We were in mourning if you will.  In fact Tyler asked me one day last week if “I lost my giggles.”  :)  Although I have yet to make it an entire day without crying, I am wearing make up again – which is a huge step.  The boys are great medicine & things seem brighter with each passing day.  I still feel like I’m just going through the motions at times – Smiling, pretending life is “okay” when people ask, holding it together as much as possible when confronted with the situation.  I guess I’m a little depressed.  Not suicidal crazy manic depressed or this is the end of the world feelings – just sad.  I guess to be expected.  God has been so faithful in comforting me & reminding me more times than I deserve that this is all in His control. 

We haven’t heard from her either.  I’m not sure if that made things better or worse.  We gave her a week to settle in, let emotions die down, & I thought maybe she would call to let us know how her new life is, but NO.  Tim did call her just to let her know he was thinking about her, but he said she seemed very dry - “Yes, Sir.  No, Sir. . . “  I haven’t spoken to her since the night she left 2 weeks ago. 

Truthfully, I don’t know what I would say to her right now anyway.  I have so many mixed emotions.  It is an inner battle at times to not make this about me.  If I let my mind wander too far, feelings of insecurity creep in – was our home that bad?  I know I was a good mom to her, but it is so hard to let go.  You know, the infamous mommy line, “After all I did for you . . .”  Not being wanted is very difficult to swallow.  Especially when the alternative is what it is.  But then God graciously reminds me:  “This is NOT about you or what kind of mom you are.“  My reply, “Yes Father.”  I find myself almost speechless.  Which is very rare for me!  - But it’s okay . . .

The other day I just sat parked on our dirt road & sang the words to Mercy Me’s song, Word of God Speak

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say
[CHORUS]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak
I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice
[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

I think about our girl a lot.  I miss her deeply.  I worry about her constantly, but I know this is where we need to be.  I’m just trying to “Be Still” & see God’s majesty in the midst of this storm.  One of my friend’s facebook status’ read:   “Sometimes Life throws us a wave, but guess what? I'm a surfer. I ride that wave, and my lifeguard walks on water , so I'm safe!”