“I don’t want to survive, I want to LIVE!”
These words left me in awe this morning as Trevor clearly reminded me of my new dare to live a fuller emptier life.
(and here I sit at the computer…but I have good reason. I’m making Big Daddy a digital photo book of all his fishing pictures.)
I am currently reading Ann Voskamp’s book, One Thousand Gifts – A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You are.
I’m following along each Wednesday & Sunday at the Bloom book club as Angie, Jessica, & Ann discuss the book. I just finished chapter 4 & one word pretty much sum’s it up – A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. In fact, that’s kinda why I’ve been so scarce on my blog (not that 4 wild & crazy outlaws have anything to do with it either). I just LOVE this book! Love. Love. LOVE IT!!! I have a notebook full of notes I’ve taken & I’m telling everyone I know – You must read this book. It is life changing. It is wonderful.
Chapter 1:
Have you ever been angry with God or questioned Him, when you prayed one way for something & He chose a different way? Have you ever felt deep pain? The pain of putting the pieces together after a child dies?
Oh have I. When our son died it was unbelievably difficult to face God at first. I’ve asked why a lot! I love how Ann describes this questioning, “Why did you let something happen . . . that on this side of Heaven looks like a bad thing?” On this side of Heaven. At the time I could not see how any good could come from the death of a child. My baby. I could not see anything at all past the tears. But now. Looking back. Learning over the years. Catching small glimpse of possible whys. Giving birth to 3 more healthy, full term children after being told how difficult carrying a baby to term would be for me. After building a marriage of almost 10 years on what began on a very rocky foundation. I might not know why, but like Ann says, “there is beautiful faith through woundedness.” If nothing more, Talon’s death certainly gave us an opportunity to see life differently. “. . . the losses that puncture our world, our own emptiness, might actually become places to see. To see through to God. That which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God who we endlessly crave.” How? How do you do that when you feel like God has let you down? When you feel so empty, when life hurts? And as you do, how do you hold onto it? I’ve learned to cling to God, I’ve definitely journeyed down a long path to trusting (and continue), but after the storm, when the sun begins to shine & time begins to heal the pain – I slowly fall back into the busyness of life, forgetting the small things & barely giving thanks for the big.
After reading chapter one, I am committed to being more satisfied with what God has given me. I realized that I need to be more conscious of my complaining and continue spending my early mornings with the Lord. I think the more I bask in His glory the more satisfied I naturally become. I want to trust in God to lead me down the path of righteousness, which will fill me with joy & gratitude, so I feel more at peace with where I am *right now!
- The other day I talked to Taylor for the first time since Christmas. In the middle of our small talk she asked me how I was with such sincerity. I smiled & told her, “I am good. Really good.” She could hear it (almost as if she didn’t have to ask). She hesitated & then responded almost confused, “You sound really happy?” I am not happy with a lot of things, but I am learning to stop living life like it is an emergency & to find JOY in the moments as I’ve been counting my blessings. The ones that are happening right now. Right here. Life is not perfect & it never seems to go as I have planned, but then again – “There is a reason I am not writing the story & God is. He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means. I don’t.” God is good!