9-11

Five years ago today . . . my life changed forever . . .

I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember it rained all day & all night - it just poured the entire hour & a half it took us to get to the hospital. I felt the comfort of my Lord crying with me & holding my tears in His hands as my heart broke & I watched my husband for the first time be completely broken. I remember my last sonogram & seeing my baby boys heart beating away - my last feeling of hope being ripped from me as I am being told there is no amniotic fluid around him. I remember the look in my doctors eyes, I remember the sound of the my friend/nurse's broken voice (God Bless you Michelle) as she offered to call my mom for me. I remember the hospital room - how big & empty it was, the look on everyone's face as they came inside the room.

I also remember the joy that we just couldn't help but feel as we met our son for the first time. Its amazing how a parents heart can be so sad & broken, but yet still find that joy deep within to cherish what little time you do have. The smile on our faces just couldn't help but make its way through all the tears.

I remember the feeling we were left with as we watched our son's heart stop beating. I remember leaving the hospital empty handed. I remember the quietness in the car on our way home. I remember trying to explain to our other 3 children what happened to their baby brother. I remember the unspoken anger & pain that followed. I remember the alone time that I just screamed at the top of my lung or cried into a pillow. I remember the first baby I saw afterward.

I remember the peace that I gained with loosing my son (years later). 5 Years later I still remember it all . . .

Our time with Talon was so short, but a time I will cherish forever. As years pass by time heals a lot, but I will always have this emptiness inside my heart. I read someone describe this type of loss as an amputation - you have forever lost apart of yourself & life will never be completely whole again. Five yeas, wow! Not a day, not one, has gone by that I haven't thought about my son or missed him or wished he were here for whatever it is. I often stare & watch the boys play, fight, sleep, etc. & I just can't help but imagine my Talon being apart of that moment.

At 21 years old, my life was forever changed. My God allowed me to be crippled in my life here on earth & gave me the BEST reason any mother could have to make sure I live a life & raise my children in a Godly home so that we may all be together someday in His kingdom.

Today is my angel day. Look at how tiny Talon's footprints are (this is a picture frame with his footprints that sits on my dresser), now go kiss your babies & treasure the time you have with them. May God Bless you day!