Friday

Friday I walked through doors every mother dreads .  .  . Doors that read the dreary words:

“Blood Disorder & Cancer Patients”

I’d lie if I told you that I haven’t had this sick to my stomach – on the verge of tears at any moment feeling deep inside my stomach the past few weeks.  BUT I can’t even begin to describe the PEACE that surpasses all understanding.  The peace that I clung to in order to hold back the river of tears my eyes were filled with each time Truman’s temperature read 104+.  That same peace I gripped with all my might as I confidently walked through those doors.

The truth is, Truman is a very sick baby.  I recently posted about my returning to blogging & just as soon as I did my 18 month old was struck with fever AGAIN!  This would make his third illness in less than two months.  The last couple of months he has had fever more than not.  In fact, he has not made it longer than 10 days without a fever.  To see him so sick so often & have those mommy instincts the Lord equipped us with running full force is completely heart-breaking.  I have prayed for healing, for wisdom for the doctors, for understanding of the bigger picture.  And I know without a doubt it will all come in His TIME!  Yes, the Lord is giving me quite the lesson in TIME lately.  :)

Although the Hematologist referred us to a couple different specialist, he also gave us an answer to our prayers – He does NOT need to see Truman as a patient.  After reviewing his records & studying his blood work, he assured us that Truman does NOT have Leukemia or any blood disorders!! 

PRAISE GOD!!

Friday, I walked out of those doors with an overflowing amount of thanksgiving, but at the same time my heart just broke for the mothers I passed in the hall.  The mother’s that aren’t as fortune.  The mommy’s that are carrying their sweet innocent bald babies who are fighting for their life.  May God Bless them in their heart wrenching journey & may each of their stories bring glory to the Almighty Physician.  I couldn’t help but pray as I passed each one.  Feeling an enormous amount of guilt for the relief that overcame me as I all but ran out of those doors – knowing that they did not receive the same news when they first entered those doors.  Inside those doors is so sad.  Please pray for those families.

Please pray for Truman too.  He is doing well now.  Well, for the most part.  We are trying very hard to get him to gain weight (which is like pulling teeth) & I am happy to report – despite his continuous illnesses - he did manage to gain a pound in one week!!!!  He is officially 20 pounds.  Specifically pray for heeling.  It would be nice for God to grant the doctors the wisdom to figure out what is going on with him, but more importantly I just don’t want to see my baby hurt anymore.  I know God is giving Truman his own little story so I’m willing to trust more in Him than my own understanding.  I pray we travel this path in a way that will glorify Him – wherever that path may lead.  He is the same today as He was Friday and I wrest assured that He will be the same tomorrow!

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. — Philippians 4:6 NRSV

Survival Plan

Two weeks ago my mom called & asked how my day was going . . .

OVERWHELMED.  Is all I could say.  I was totally completely 100% OVERWHELMED.

I sat in our amazing schoolroom going through all the motions, but inside I was – you guessed it,

OVERWHELMED!

This week it hit me.  Our daughter has moved away.  We seldom hear from her.  And have not seen her, hugged, or kissed her in over a month.  For the past year I have had a sick baby every two to three weeks.  I have had more sleepless nights than restful.  My heart has been shattered by loss & sickness.  It just kills me to see my baby hurt & feel so helpless.  Recently his illnesses have came back with a vengeance & I am just overwhelmed by the possibilities. 

All this on top of “real” life & the daily responsibilities that come along with being a mommy to many & a wife, plus homeschooling.  (Right now, 2 of 4 kids are screaming – just to give you the full effect) 

At first I thought it was me.  I am freakin’ CrAzY!  I have got to get a grip.  What is wrong with me?  I blamed myself – I’m just not managing my time, I’m not doing it good enough, I yell when I shouldn’t, I’m being selfish, I’m failing!

Yes, I know – they make meds for times like these.  Don’t think I haven’t considered it.  Truthfully, there is a bottle full of “chill pills” with my name on them, but I don’t think I’m there (yet). 

Along time ago, I had a teacher say to me – when you feel the lowest, when you have fallen more times than you can count you take the 2 hands God gave you & you pick yourself up!

So, this week I’m picking myself up (with a lot of help from fabulous friends & family & an Almighty God – because when I can’t – HE CAN!)  I am officially in mode:  Survival Plan!

I have been working really hard at keeping the house up, staying on top of my “duties” so that if Truman get’s sick again things are “together”.  I spent the last 2 days counting calories, making spreadsheets, & planning meals.  Last night we had a come to Jesus meeting with the boys.  Their fear & overload of free time has shown in their behavior.  They are OUT OF CONTROL.  Today I am evaluating where we are in school with the boys – what goals have we reached, what really needs to get caught up, & what can wait.  Then I will be contemplating a plan for when Truman is sick or when I’m gone to the doctor with him.  Luckily I have a huge collection of audio books & my iPod is full of scripture songs, memory work, etc. We actually accomplish quite a bit in the car.

I have thought a lot about my blog & even prayed about it.  I’ve considered how it sucks a part of my time away & how vulnerable it makes me publicly.  I’ve pondered why I blog – I mean really WHY.  But like I said a few weeks ago – I just feel like God is doing something BIG in our family.  I’m not sure what it is, but when you see the hand of God in your life it makes you want to scream from the mountain tops & share with others how good He is.  So that is what I’m going to do.  Only I’m not much of a climber so I’ll scribble words on a computer screen with hopes that my cyber friends will continue to encourage me (I’m selfish like that) & by chance you will catch a small glimpse of how faithful God is even when things seem out of control & you are OVERWHELMED.

Life is . . .

a box of chocolates a mess.   I’m  a total disaster zone.  Seriously!  It is so obvious to those around me.  The destruction left behind from the recent storms that seem to have a path headed straight at our house/family have taken their toll on me.  There is no hiding it.  If you’ve had the pleasure of witnessing the storms the Lord has brought us through before or read the rough waters section of this blog, you’ll know that when the waves get rough it is rarely just one storm our family endures.  The dark clouds seem to linger right over our family.   At first I was very scared, then plain weary, & now I’m just gearing up for the big one – you know, just in case.

The thing is, no matter the destruction that rips at our family, I rest assured that the Lord is in complete control.  And I am trying very hard to not be like the foolish disciples & SCREAM at the top of my Texan lungs, “Lord do you see the storm?  WAKE UP!  I’m scared.”  Don’t get me wrong the thoughts are there.  My mind is a dangerous battlefield right now, but at the end of the day I know, I just know He will come through. 

So, what am I talking about? 

Mainly its my kids & I'm not sure where to begin.  Suddenly, I have felt so overwhelmed with these tasks He has assigned me.  I honestly feel a little like Noah probably did, “you want me to do what?”  I’m so overwhelmed & might even pick building an ark over all this mess.  I know without a doubt that being a mommy, “the other mom”, &  a homeschool mom is all a part of God’s plan for me, BUT it is so difficult at times.

Taylor leaving has left a deep hole in my heart.  Being judged, ridiculed, & enticed by the people she is living with has only dug the knife in deeper.  I lived in the ghetto, I have hung with ghetto, I have played on that dangerous playground.  Fortunately, God had much bigger plans for me.  But when faced with that type of person – the ghetto girl in me comes out!  Oh yes, homeschool momma to many has a ghetto side & believe it or not she ain’t pretty.  The thing is, I HATE that part of me.  I disgust myself with angery thoughts & I struggle to be the better (non-ghetto) person.  And more so, I struggle to be the Godly woman I so badly desire to be.  When a foolish man attacks my husband’s authority, taunts him with vulgar slurs, & accuses him of  being afraid to hold his ground – it is very hard for me to not pull off the gloves & fight back.  To add to the nastiness I am just disgusted in know our daughter sits by appearring to support & possibly condone such behavior.  I’m even more livid with the fact that someone that should love & protect her from such wickedness, instead glamorizes this type of “man” for lack of better words.  But the Lord has told me to BE STILL. 

And so as most fathers know their children best, mine does as well . . .  He knows sometimes I need a little distracting.  I need that coloring book & quiet toys to keep me still.  Only now, I’m a grown-up . . . Instead of coloring books & toys I look at the horizon & see it coming – another storm.  And just because He knows me so well – you better believe it – it is another child.  No, I’m not pregnant.  The storm is with my baby.  He is very sick & sick babies are typically fussy babies.  Without making this post any longer than it already is I will quickly summarize with explaining that Truman is 18 months old, weighs 18 pounds, & is sick more often than well.  Not a cough & runny-nose kinda sick though.  He is spiking crazy high fevers (104-106) for weeks on end.  He had a short 4 month break during the warm weather, but now as the sick season approaches his pattern of continual fevers (sometimes associated with a particular illness/cause, others not) begins again. Yesterday I sat in Children’s Hospital ER for hours with my baby.  I don’t really have any answers, but we were referred to a Hematologist.  I will update when I know more.  I cannot begin to explain the overwhelmingness of it all.  A daughter that is gone, a sick baby, homeschooling, etc.  Yes, I so badly want to scream, “LORD?!”  But then I am reminded of all the storms He has already brought us through.  I know without doubt that what He brings you too, He will also bring you through.

I can’t end this post without adding a little sunshine . . . This Thanksgiving I struggled with giving thanks.  As our families gathered & I was home with a very sick baby (who by the way, Big Daddy ended up staying home with, so I could have a much needed break & time with extended family), as our daughter was gone & not to be heard from . . . I knew the obvious things to be thankful for, but my heart just wasn’t feelin’ the holiday.  Then our other daughter came home.  Yes, our oldest daughter who rarely visits, spent a great deal of quality time with us.  We laughed, we cried, we enjoyed every stinkin’ minute of our time with her & I think she did too! 

And then, I heard from Taylor.  I would gladly post details, but I’m not sure who reads this blog & to protect her confidence I will not be sharing at this point.  She did e-mail me personally & instantly I felt as if a ton of bricks was lifted off of me.  I’m not positive, but I think her first visit home will be soon, so please pray for us.  

Now for the not-so- funny funny:  Tyler flipped off the back of a truck (intentionally) & his shin swelled about the size of a baseball.  Tucker shot himself in the foot with a bb gun.  And Big Daddy had a bullet explode in his hand at work while trying to unload a jammed gun he confiscated.  As for me, I have had a little trouble with the law myself.  Those rotten cops!  LOL  Yes, the police officer’s wife who hasn’t had a ticket in 10 years has received not one but two within less than a month!  And let me just say, I understand totally that I was in violation of the law & I know they were just doing their job – but good grief do they have to be so hateful?  I hope their wives burned their dinner those nights.  Especially the heartless one that gave me a ticket for speeding when I was on my way to the ER – which was 2 hours away.  Many thanks to the good ol’ Texas State Troopers!  May another officer repay the favor in the future! 

Life has been a mess.  It is a perfect mess though because God is in control of it all & His Word tells us that He only works for the good. 

Greatest Story

Some days your own resolve is strong
And other days you bend
it's two steps forward, one step back
and a stumble now and then
You wonder if you'll ever really make the difference
you've prayed that you will
Well, I know that prayer will be fulfilled 'cause

Your life woven day by day
is a new design of the glory God displays
on the canvas of creation
Through the poem of history
in the pattern of redemption
running through the tapestry
Your life in Christ can be
the greatest story ever told

You cannot see the hands of God
or feel the grace that flows
from Him through you to those you touch
In ways you'll never know
you cannot measure worth by human standards
That's always a lie
oh, you have to see through heaven's eyes how...

In the light of eternity
Standing face to face you will finally see
for the very first time you'll understand
your perfect place in the master plan and how...

TIME

This place we are at is so sad.  The intensity & mixture of emotions is overwhelming at times.  As one of my friends described, “my eyes are flooded with tears.”  BUT, I do have a sense of peace deep within.  Although I do NOT understand it, I know this is God's timing.  Many have asked “what happened?”  Others have judged us without any understanding of what we are doing.  So, how did we get here?  Well, there were circumstances that led us here, but those are just the cause, not the reason . . .

*Please bare with me as I try to share my heart with you & tell the great things God is doing to show me He is in control.  My heartaches & my mind is racing, but I feel lead to share with you how good God is even when things seem out of control.  He has used several people & circumstances to speak to me & I am slowly seeing how it all comes together.  I pray the Lord allows me share what is on my heart in away that you may understand & that will bring Him glory.

About a week ago my sister called & asked me if I would help her with one of her school projects.  I excitedly agreed & asked what we’d be working on.

“TIME”

She explained that she had to create a canvas on TIME.  We began to discuss possible themes, but little did I know this was not some crafty project for me to play with.  This was the Lord whispering in my heart & I just didn’t know it at that time.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago.  Taylor & I were having a disagreement (nothing extraordinary from our usual issues with her).  Later that night she was on the phone with her mom telling her how horrible I was & I asked her, “Why am I the only one you stay angry with?  Why am I the only one that isn't allowed to make any mistakes?"  She looked at me straight in the face, her heart hardened right before my eyes . . .  I'm not sure what exactly she said because it hurt so bad my heart literally fell on the ground & a piece of me died right there.  She told me how deep inside her was this hate for me that she just couldn't get rid of . . . How I made her sick.  I could just see it.  She was gone.  My time with her was done.  The tone of her voice & the look on her face spoke louder than the words that came out of her mouth.  I felt like there was a spiritual battle going on in my kitchen & right at that very moment the devil had a hold of her heart.  I ran outside crying.  Fell to my knees & cried out to God.  I poured my heart out to Him. When I finally returned to the house I told Tim & Taylor both that I was done & that it was time for her to call her mom.  Tim cried, but stood right behind me.  He told her he didn't know what else I could do or what either of us could do differently, but he wasn't going to allow her to tear our home apart like this any longer.  We both told her we loved her & would be praying for her, but it was time.

At first I didn’t understand all of this at.all.  I couldn’t have even explained what happened for a few days.  Sunday at church our preacher spoke on 1 John.  He told the story of Pharaoh & the plagues.  As I listened to him tell how Pharaoh repeatedly refused to obey God & each time his heart was hardened I gained my first glimpse of what the Lord was doing in our home.  I had words to put with what had happened the night before. 

Then as I read through each of the comments on my last post, I found such comfort in the comment one of you left:

You have been doing what the Bible instructs parents to do - raise your daughter to know the LORD and to obey His Word. She needs to know that she is a sinner - like we all are - and that she needs a Savior. Then she needs to know that once you make that commitment to Christ, there are some rules to follow - not that we will be perfect at following them - but that we are to strive for and love perfect obedience to our Savior. And for children that obedience to the Savior includes obedience to our parents as our authority covering. I'm thankful that God loves your little girl so much more than you ever could, and I know that He will be working in her life even harder. This is His plan though our understanding is not. And His plans are always perfect and will be brought to completion.
I will pray for you all for peace and acceptance of His plan, that the other side of the tapestry will be revealed in all its glory when the time is right.

THANK YOU!!  It was almost as if you looked deep inside my heart & spoke the words I could not find.  I hope you know dear friend that the Lord used you to speak to me.  Many blessings!

The past few days have been very sad.  I was struggling with feeling like I failed.  Tim was consumed with worry & fear.  Then a friend called me . . .

Back up several months ago.  A close friend of mine had asked me if I would help her pick out some curriculum for her to do a state study.  She didn’t feel comfortable with what she was using because it wasn’t from a Christian perspective.  What I picked out solved that problem & appeared to be within her financial means.  A couple weeks pasted & I asked her if she had ordered her curriculum.  Disappointedly she explained something had come up & she hadn’t been able.  Well, I had been blessed with several photoshoots & was pondering what to do with 10% of my earnings.  I was planning on tithing it, but God told me to order curriculum for her instead.  The total was almost exact to the 10%.  Her curriculum arrived & she was exasperated with the blessing.  It was the Lord is all I told her. 

. . . She called a couple days ago & explained that they had just begun their study & she had to read me the introduction which began with a brief reference to Ecclesiastes 3:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace.

. . . these times are ordained by God Himself & are not under our control.  These are His times.  It is evident in Lydia’s *salvation that even the time of our mourning over sin & turning to Christ is one of His times in our lives.

He has ordained all the times in our lives.  There is no such thing as chance, luck, or accident in the Christian journey.  Our times of planting, sewing, laughter, sorrow, mourning, and financial prosperity or loss are under His control.  If we look to Him during these times we eventually truly see that He has made everything beautiful in His time.

All things work together for good to them that love God to them who are called according to his purpose”  Romans 8:28

Because we know that God is providentially controlling the events of our lives & we know that his hand of providence is guided by his heart of love we are able to do as we are instructed in Psalms 41:10  “Be Still & Know that I am God”.

*This was taken from the introduction of the Texas State History curriculum from State History From a Christian Perspective.

I have to tell you the peace that came over me almost instantly as she read this to me.  God was no longer whispering, He was clearly speaking loud & clear.  You see, these scriptures were the 2 scriptures that I clinged to when Tim’s mom died.  The first passage I picked out & added to the video I made for her funeral:

The other scripture was the basis for the message preached at her funeral.  This woman was not just my mother-in-law, she was my best friend.  She was a major part of all of our lives.  I love her soooo much & miss her tremendously.  When my friend shared these scriptures with me it was much needed confirmation that God was at work in our family.

To some it may seem like we have thrown our daughter to the wolves.  To others it may appear that we have given up on her.  A few assume we don’t want her anymore. 

None of this is in our hearts.  We love our daughter very much.  Living with her mother has been something she has wanted for a very long time now.  So it is not like we have washed our hands of her & sent her away.  We have not given up on her.  We have given her to the Lord.  Just as the father of the prodigal son had to let his son go, we must let our daughter go.

*Over the last few days I have struggled with what exactly to pray for.  The only thing I truly know without a doubt is to pray for her salvation.  It honestly is not important where she lives or who she lives with here on earth.  The most important thing is that she learns to live for a much bigger purpose.  We are not meant to be comfortable on this earth or to become of this world.  Our focus should be on our heavenly home with our Father in heaven.  So wherever she is.  Whatever happens, my prayer is that it all works to a greater good & serves as a part of His plan.

“In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will”  Ephesians 1:11

The Lord has used so many people to open my eyes, to allow me to see His presence, & feel Him at doing what He does best – Being God.  In complete control.  I’m not certain of very much & there is still a lot I don’t understand, but I promise you, He is at work in our daughter’s life & I feel something big is going to happen.  Tonight as I read other posts from blogs in my reader I heard the Lord speaking one more time.  McMama posted this quote from Francis Chan at the end of one of her posts today,

“It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are. But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that he didn’t call you there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and superficial peace…God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through”

There was no doubt in my mind that God brought Taylor to our house when He did 5 years ago.  Her coming to live with us was an answered prayer, a total God Thing.  And now her leaving has left us in a situation where our child will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through.  We are unafraid to trust God completely with our child.  I refuse to question or doubt my faithful loving Father.  I trust that He is in control & that He will work it all out - in His time. 

Emptiness . . . Failure . . . Heartache . . .

I never ever in a million years would have imagined I would be feeling this pain again . . . this emptiness, sense of failure, & total brokenness that my heart aches to the point that I am sick to my stomach.

Eight years ago Tim & I were newlyweds of only a few months & were sucked into a darkness of not only one court battle for custody of Taylor, but also a second as I fought with all I had to protect Tyler from a situation I felt wasn’t safe for him.  Then right smack in the middle of it all we lost our first child together, our son Talon.  I remember the mix of emotions that raced through my mind & consumed my heart – often sending me into crying fits or rages of anger.  The pain was almost unbearable.  It all seemed so unreal.  For all 3 of our children, we fought so hard, yet seemed to have lost them all in one way or another.

Fast forward a couple years . . . We are blessed with a beautiful baby boy who instantly stole all of our hearts, 18 months later we are blessed with another beautiful baby boy, Taylor comes to live with us (*without a fight) and Tyler’s situation gradually improves.  Life is good.  Not that we didn’t have our fair share of storms along the way.  But through it all – we had our children.

Tonight the boys are all tucked in their beds, but our daughter’s bed is empty.  She is gone.  She went to live with her mother.  And although she is still very much alive, I feel like we have lost her.  We both know the environment that she will be living in & how quickly it will change her – our sweet girl has changed so much we hardly recognize her anymore.  And once again our hearts are filled with emptiness. 

I’m not sure how much I will decide to share on my blog about this, but for now I want to ask you for your prayers as we all adjust to this new life apart.  I will probably be absent from my blog for a little bit.  I’m quite the array of emotions as one minute I feel so sad and the next I’m so mad I could scream.  I feel like I have failed.  I have failed our daughter.  And more so, I feel like I have failed a task the Lord gave me.  I’m just a mess right now so I’ll try to spare you the ramblings of “the other mom”. 

9-11

9-11 is such a sad day for so many . . . Our country experienced an astronomical loss.  My heart goes out to the loved ones of those that were killed when the twin towers were hit by terrorists.  Tears still fill my eyes when I hear the country song, “Where were you when the world stopped turning”   I remember sitting with my mother in complete shock as we watched so many people’s world stop turning.  We cried & prayed for our nation, but at that time I truly didn’t understand the amount of pain & loss those families were experiencing.
One year later my world stopped as I watched my premature baby boy’s heart stop beating in my husband’s hand.  Our world stopped.  Little did I know that through the death of our baby God was giving our family life. 
At that time I couldn’t see it.  I didn’t understand.  I still don’t completely.   I never would have imagined I’d ever consider the loss of our son a gift.  In fact, I probably would have killed anyone that even suggested such!  I was so angry with God for where He took me at that point in life.  Truthfully, I really didn’t care what His plan was – it certainly wasn’t the same as my plan.  I was not ready to see the Big Picture. . . 
I thought God was taking my son . . .

I didn’t realize He was giving him eternal life. 

Heaven is offered, but never guaranteed.  As parents our ultimate goal is for our children to grow with God, but sadly that is not always the case.  There is no guarantee that if we are “perfect” parents, homeschool our children, take them to church, read them the Bible, play with them, nurture them, etc that all that will secure our children’s (or even our own) entry to Heaven.  There just is no guarantee. 
September 11, 2003 my son went to Heaven.  I have a child growing with the Almighty.  Talon was given the gift of ETERNAL LIFE! 
September 11, 2003 my husband & I were given lifelines to our eternal home in Heaven with our son.

Never the Same

A mommy's heart is never the same after loosing a child. Tomorrow (September 11) is the 6 year anniversary of my sweet baby, Talon. Some years the "date" doesn't bother me so much, but this year isn't one of those years.

Some would think that after being blessed with 3 more boys after loosing Talon, it would fill that void in my heart & secretly maybe I had hoped for the same during those very dark days . . . but it doesn't. It makes the coming days enjoyable & gives me purpose, but the hole in my heart from loosing Talon is still just as deep today as it was 6 years ago.

Sitting here in my office, preparing for school, nursing my lil' buckaroo . . . it just hit me like a ton of bricks. 6 years ago tomorrow, my life was forever changed. I said hello & goodbye to my son all in moments. Wow! That was by far, the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.

I know God only works for the good & I am truly at piece with not keeping Talon here on earth, but "whole" - not so much. I haven't been hole since September 11, 2003. I truly believe that in everything bad - there is good somewhere among it. I have seen the good, I have LOVED the good in it, but oh have I also experience the pain in it as well.

I really don't have any deep spiritual thoughts or words of comfort. I'm kinda just wallowing in the sorrow tonight.

I know I'm not the only mommy to loose a baby or child. It is heartbreaking when you open up to realize how many other families have experienced this tremendous loss.

When Talon died, I searched high & low for a necklace. At first it was a baby ring, but I never could find one. I didn't find it until years later . . . a heart necklace with little footprints on it. Somehow, the chain on my necklace fell off & got lost (I'm sure it was a lasso for the Mustangs & is hid in their "treasure"). Recently, I saw this necklace from Lisa Leonard Designs & decided to order it in memory of Talon.

So, if you have lost a baby, I encourage you to help me keep their memory alive - even at times like this when it is hard, because no matter what - we are NEVER the same after . . .

Blended families . . .

When I was 17 I became pregnant with my first baby.

At 18 I gave birth to my first son.

At 19 I became a "step-mom" to 2 beautiful girls.

When I typed "stepmom" in at dictionary.com the page showed this:
No results found for stepmom:
Did you mean supermom (in dictionary) or Stepmom (in reference)?

Being a stepmom has to be one of the most difficult jobs there is & having a blended family is definitely work. Our family is about as blended as they get. Tim & I work very hard at the blending of our family & I think we do a fabulous job. None-the-less, there are trials & low points (as every type of family encounters from time to time), this is a rough time for our family & without blabbing our business all over the internet & really upsetting our attorney with getting into the details I just want to say, Please pray for us, as we are headed back to court this week.

Lord, You know my heart & I trust You with all of it. I pray for Your will to be done, knowing that Your plan is not always the same as our plan. I give You my weary mommy heart & trust that You are in total control. Please take these worries from me Lord, allowing me to trust You completely. Help all those that are involved in the decision making to see our childs best interest & do all in their earthly power to protect her. If this is a battle You are sending us into, I pray You cloth us with Your armore & lead us through it. If this is a lesson You are teaching I pray You hold us tight as we open our eyes to things we may not be seeing. No matter what Lord, I trust You & will not be shaken. Lord God Almighty "Bring the rain!"

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus, bring the rain
I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above
because you are much greater than my pain
you who made a way for me suffering your destiny
so tell me whats a little rain

Angel

Angel Dawn Eager Bell. Angel is my cousin. Until 2 years ago our lives have been almost parallel, yet so different. Angel was born 2 months before me. Our story starts before our birth - both of our moms married brothers. She is my daddy's little brother's daughter. Then both couples divorced 2 year after our births. We were the only children from our biological parents. Angel's mother & my momma both remarried men significantly older than themselves & both entered the journey of step-parenting. :) Angel moved to Taiwan for several years & I moved to California. 9 years later our mom's were divorcing, remarrying & having babies again. Angel has a brother 11 years younger than her & my sister is 11 years younger than me. We both dated our high school sweethearts & both ended up with broken hearts. A few years later we both married. The week my sweet baby, Talon, died Angel found out she was pregnant with her first baby, Kylynn. 18 months later we were both pregnant & we had had babies 2 months apart (just like us!). Angel had all girls & I had all boys!

Angel & I were so close in age, people often mistaken us for twins & as we got older, sisters. We were much like sisters - I'd say we were best friends, but we fought way too much for that (& made up of course). We loved each other very much & she loved to aggravate me. One time she chased me around with high heel shoes in each hand. I really do have wonderful memories with Angel. We spent a lot of time making mud pies & playing barbies for hours together. I have a lot of 1st's with Angel. She introduced me to "prank calling" - we would call grocery stores, ask if they had "Olive Oil" when they would say yes, we'd say "well let her out." We thought we were so funny.
When we were 16 Angel tried to teach me to drive her brand new car - a standard. I ended up at a red light on the slope of a hill with a car an inch behind me. I totally freaked out & started crying. I was so afraid I was going to stall out, roll back & hit the car behind me. She pulled the emergency break up & we changed seat in the middle of the road. We laughed so hard we cried. One day my mom took her prom dress shopping while I was at work. Angel talked my mom into buying her a $500 prom dress!!! Which my mom later had to return after Angel admitted she was wrong about saying her parents wouldn't care. LOL

Angel was always the wild child & I just tagged along - much to scared to get into any major trouble. She was so cool. I loved going places with her. She took very good care of her "little cousin." Our bond slowly began to change after Angel got married. She married a boy that had a past history with heroin. They had their first child together less than a year after being married. She was so excited to be a mommy & was very proud of her daughter. Angel & her husband had a very rocky relationship & their problems only grew worse when 18 months later she had another baby - that was very colic & became sick & almost died. Angels marriage was a violent marriage. It began with fights of throwing things & lots of yelling, with drug use adding to the problems. In the beginning the fights were probably mutual combat. As time passed, they were buried in financial debt & were treading water to keep their heads up over all the consequences of the bad decisions they had made & she was very run down. November 2006 Angel showed up to our family Thanksgiving dinner high. It broke my heart to see her like that & I was so angry with her. Couldn't she see what she was doing? What happened to my cousin? At that point I confronted her & told her I couldn't have her lifestyle around my kids. We didn't speak for several weeks. Christmas she didn't show up. Something inside me told me to call her. I called & told her how much I missed her, was praying for her, & was here if she needed me. That was the last time I talked to her.

June 13 I got a phone call my cousin overdosed on heroin & zannex. She was at a park with her husband & when he realized she wasn't breathing he just dropped her off at the ER entrance. He left her dead. After she died our family discovered that Angel's relationship with her husband was much more violent than any of us realized. We had all been supportive of her leaving her husband more times than I can count. I offered to help with the girls, buy her books to go back to school, whatever it took to get her out of that relationship. I don't know why she stayed. I never imagined she was in as much pain as she was when she died. We quickly learned that he beat the fight out of her - she was no longer fighting back. She was giving us excuses for the bruises & stitches. Not telling us about the abuse. She just self-medicated herself so she would feel. She left behind these beautiful girls.

The girls are now living with Angel's mom & dad & they let me have them for all of last week! We had so much fun together. Oh did they remind me of their momma. To be so little they have so much of her in them - the little things . . . they walk like her, blow their nose like her, boss me like her :) I just loved spending time with them. I felt like a fly on the wall watching our kids play together - Little Angel's & little Tiff's running around - I wish she could see them now. She would be so proud. We miss her.

Not Me!

"Be still & know that I am GOD!"
Psalm 46:10

I am learning that when the storms roll in to be still & remember He is God - Not me!

Here is an update on my Momma's Boy:

My ped called first thing this morning after she consulted with a specialist . . .

• The needle is not KNOWN to be HIV positive *just a possibility
• The needle was bent & most drug users do not take the time to bend their needles nor do they toss them very often - they keep them & reuse them. The needling being bent is a good sign that this may have been a diabetic needle. None the less, it is UNKNOWN.
• There was not any visible blood on the needle
• It was not placed in his vein or a deep injury
• He was not exposed to noticeable qualities of blood
  

All of these factors decrease Tyler's risk for contracting HIV significantly - like only a .3% chance or less. Still a chance, but very very small.

We will NOT be doing the post exposure prophylaxis drug treatments; however, he did get blood drawn & a Hep A & B vaccination. This initial blood work will not give us any peace of mind - this first testing is just a baseline of paperwork for his doctors. We will retake within 3 months & again at 6 months & again a year from now. According to his doctor, after 6 months we are pretty much out of the woods if the testing comes back negative.

FYI: Of all needle pricks 98% do NOT involve HIV blood. Only 2% is HIV contaminated & of that there is only a 3% chance of transmission from a needle that is HIV positive. Hep B has more common blood born pathogens & the probability of contracting is 6-30%. These viruses do NOT live long outside a living body. HIV - only minutes & Hep - up to 36 hours.

My heart is heavy & very weary . . . Our family has had it's fair share of storms pass over us & they are definitely rolling back in our direction. We have held strong though & I will say once again that I serve the same God this morning as I did yesterday before this happened. Honestly, I am thankful. Thankful that we have had time of peace & recovery before having to seek shelter once again. I am very scared but this is out of my control (don't you just hate that?! - not really because God handles things so much better than I do). I am so angered by the unknown. This has been my biggest fear with Tim being a police office, never did I imagine I would have to worry about it happening to one of my children. Thank you for your comforting words. I am totally blessed with a wonderful group of amazing prayer warriors - Keep Tyler on your list . . . it is going to be a L-O-N-G 6 months.

"And the thunder rolls & the lightning strikes . . ."

My morning post today was post dated, as I was planning on hanging out with my kids & taking a break from the computer, but situations have arose that I feel the need to share with you . . .


I hesitate to write this - I am nervous to send this e-mail out, but my heart is telling me to trust my friends & family with this. I also know just what kind of prayer warriors I have out there & feel like our family really needs LOTS of prayers . . .

Today the boys & I had a blast selling lemonade. We set up a stand at the end of our dirt road & put a sign a few yards ahead to lure customers in. When it was time to shut down I started to go take the sign down, but Tyler offered to instead. While he was on the side of the road getting the sign he found a syringe. He didn't know what it was & he was curious so he took the lid off. When he did this the needle was bent & poked his finger (slightly drawing blood)

B/c the nature of where the needle was (who would throw a needle on the side of the road?!!) we have to consider the possibility of it being a drug needle. There are soooo many unknowns & we have 2-3 days to decide what we are going to do . . . we have the option to have Tyler take prophylactic medications. We aren't familiar with these type of drugs, but the doctor has cautioned us with the risks & severe side effects of these medications. We have 2-3 days to make our decision. I will have more information tomorrow as the infectious disease doctor consults with our ped.

I am hesitant to share this information in fear of the judgment I may be putting on Tyler by others. The thought that my child could have came into contact with horrible viruses is terrifying to me. Not my baby! But he is my baby & him being around some of your children might be unsettling to you, even so after speaking to the sheriffs department I feel like I need to let you know --

I never imagined I would have to warn my children about drug needles - especially living on over 700 acres in the country, but apparently even in the country drugs are an issue. After speaking to the deputy I was told this isn't uncommon - kids finding needles often (even in the country), only usually it is their parents. (heartbreaking) We live in a day in time that we cannot protect our children 100% from anything - even us "homeschoolers." I still cannot believe I am writing this e-mail. What are the chances of this? Something like this would never happen to us. After all, Tim is a cop!! Tonight I sit here watching my son sleep, hoping & praying he is going to be okay & God directs us in our decisions. Please let this horrible experience cause you to consider educating your children on the dangers of drugs & drug paraphernalia.

Specific Prayer Requests: WISDOM, Tyler's health - that this needle will not cause him to be infected with ANY type of disease or virus, Tyler - he is very scared, as Tim & I are, as well as our family & Cory & his family are.


Thank you for keeping us in your prayers,

The Cacoon . . . STRUGGLE.

A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon. On that day, a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the moth for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.

Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. It just seemed to be stuck. Then the man, in his kindness, decided to help the moth, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining big of the cocoon. The moth then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the moth because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

It was never able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening was the way of forcing fluid from the body of the moth into its wings, so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Freedom and flight would only come after struggle.

By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of health.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If we were to go through out life without any obstacles, we would be crippled.

We would not be as strong as what we could have been.

It is so hard to remember this at times & especially hard when we see those we love struggle, & even harder when we struggle with them (IE: Our children). It is important to remember God has a plan & unfortunately in this sinful world - struggle is apart of it - each of us will experience times of suffering. It usually hits when we least expect it - just when we think life is perfect -everything changes.

Our lives & parenting is much like that of the butterfly or moth - we may not gain our heavenly wings without enduring life's struggles first.

"But those who suffer He delivers in their suffering; He speaks to them in their affliction." Job 36:15
"Blessed are those who endure when they are tested. When they pass the test, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

After the Storm

This time last year our family was doing all we could to just keep our heads above water, as storm after storm rolled through our lives. A year ago today marked the beginning of the end . . .

While at a friends birthday party Trevor, who had just turned 2 himself, was bit in the face by their dog.

Trevor: The night of the bite

The next morning
The days to follow . . .




During this time, it seemed as though the waves were just crashing down on us. I felt like the disciples on the boat with Jesus -- "Wake up Lord, don't you see what is happening?!"

I tried so hard to be strong, but I was weak. I tried to wrest, but I was still so tired. I needed to be brave, but I was terrified. I held a smile on my face, but I was very angry. I wanted to understand, but I was confused. My clothes were dry, but I was completely soaked!

Through it all God was my faithful shelter. He saw what was happening. He saw the clouds, he heard the thunder, he held the raindrops in His hands. This was no surprise to the Almighty. We weren't alone - He was right there with us. What He will bring you to - He will bring you through.

The waters were rough, there were plenty of times I wanted to jump overboard, but after the storm there is always a rainbow!



And sometimes 2!


To understand more of the rough waters we were wading through holding on for dear through, read some of my posts from my Rough Waters category. You may want to back track & start at the beginning.

I've never shared about these rainbows. I couldn't find the right words, but reflecting back today the time seemed right to share it now. The day these rainbows were arched in the sky (RIGHT OVER OUR HOUSE!), I felt a sudden peace. It was still misting, but I could see the clear sky, the clouds had moved from over our house & the sun was shinning! I was so thankful for the rainbows I began to run out into our pasture for a view of it all! (My family thought I was crazy) I ran & ran & ran. The rainbows were so big, I could never reach a point that I could capture the full picture in my camera (That is how BIG our God is!)
I Will praise you in this storm this SUNSHINE!

9-11

Five years ago today . . . my life changed forever . . .

I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember it rained all day & all night - it just poured the entire hour & a half it took us to get to the hospital. I felt the comfort of my Lord crying with me & holding my tears in His hands as my heart broke & I watched my husband for the first time be completely broken. I remember my last sonogram & seeing my baby boys heart beating away - my last feeling of hope being ripped from me as I am being told there is no amniotic fluid around him. I remember the look in my doctors eyes, I remember the sound of the my friend/nurse's broken voice (God Bless you Michelle) as she offered to call my mom for me. I remember the hospital room - how big & empty it was, the look on everyone's face as they came inside the room.

I also remember the joy that we just couldn't help but feel as we met our son for the first time. Its amazing how a parents heart can be so sad & broken, but yet still find that joy deep within to cherish what little time you do have. The smile on our faces just couldn't help but make its way through all the tears.

I remember the feeling we were left with as we watched our son's heart stop beating. I remember leaving the hospital empty handed. I remember the quietness in the car on our way home. I remember trying to explain to our other 3 children what happened to their baby brother. I remember the unspoken anger & pain that followed. I remember the alone time that I just screamed at the top of my lung or cried into a pillow. I remember the first baby I saw afterward.

I remember the peace that I gained with loosing my son (years later). 5 Years later I still remember it all . . .

Our time with Talon was so short, but a time I will cherish forever. As years pass by time heals a lot, but I will always have this emptiness inside my heart. I read someone describe this type of loss as an amputation - you have forever lost apart of yourself & life will never be completely whole again. Five yeas, wow! Not a day, not one, has gone by that I haven't thought about my son or missed him or wished he were here for whatever it is. I often stare & watch the boys play, fight, sleep, etc. & I just can't help but imagine my Talon being apart of that moment.

At 21 years old, my life was forever changed. My God allowed me to be crippled in my life here on earth & gave me the BEST reason any mother could have to make sure I live a life & raise my children in a Godly home so that we may all be together someday in His kingdom.

Today is my angel day. Look at how tiny Talon's footprints are (this is a picture frame with his footprints that sits on my dresser), now go kiss your babies & treasure the time you have with them. May God Bless you day!

Big Poppa

Some of you may know that Tim has been pretty sick lately. He used to joke with me about having my gene's tested before we got married b/c I had such a difficult time during my pregnancies. He said I was too sickly. On a farm, I am considered dead weight. So, now look who is talking . . . Of course, I have to remind him that I should have thought twice about having to take care of an old man in the prime of my life considering he is 8 years older than me. HA! HA!

Okay, in August (last year) Tim became VERY sick. He was in the hospital for about 4-5 days. He had a VERY high fever that would not break for almost a week. Honestly, I was worried he could die - it was BAD. The doctor's didn't really know what was going on & the only thing they could link all his symptoms to was Lyme disease. It took him a L-O-N-G time to recover from this & still isn't the same today as he was before that illness. The Lyme disease tests have been redone recently & they are all coming back negative. It is a mystery.

A couple months back (a week before Trevor got bit by the dog) Tim got pretty sick again. His symptoms were different this time though. He had bright red blood in his urine (Yes honey, I am sharing this with our family & friends *virtual friends included -- sorry!) & severe abdominal pain with a fever. Again, the doctors weren't sure what was going on. Originally, they thought kidney infection, kidney stone; however, after x-rays & a CT scan this was ruled out (there was no infection in his urine). We saw 2 specialists & it was decided that he needed to have a colonoscopy done b/c his CT raised some concern with his colon & intestines. Yes, colon cancer was a concern that they wanted to rule out. Colitis was what the ER treated him for, but Crohns disease was also mentioned. We really just prayed about it & waited for the colonscopy. Our first appointment for the colonoscopy was canceled b/c Trevor's dog bite. During pre-op for this Tim mentioned to the doctor that he had chronic heartburn after a car accident several years ago & if he could check that out while he was out it would be bonus. The doctor agreed & by the luck of God :) The doctor scoped him at both ends. lol -- Yes, I have had a little fun with this! Poor Big Poppa! Anyway, praise God Tim mentioned that to the doctor. His colonscopy went well. He had a polyp removed & a couple spots byopsied -- one being on his stomach. The doctor really didn't think the stomach was going to be an issue & just biopsied it as routine. Well, praise God he did! The stomach biopsy revealed that Tim has H. Pylori. This is something the doctors told us is treatable & once this is resolved a lot of Tim's issues should cured. The H. Pylori doesn't seem to be a big deal when it is found & is fairly easy to treat (he has to take a series of antibiotics every morning & night for 2 weeks); however, when it is undetected it can be a leading cause of stomach cancer. I cannot tell you enough how I see God's work in this. It was by total fluke that Tim asked the doctor to look at his stomach. Who knows how long this could have gone undetected had the doctor not done the second scope.
The man is a huge baby when he is sick, he doesn't do what the doctors tell him & thinks he is invisible . . . He drives me crazy! BUT, he is my man & God help me, I love him. I am relieved to know he is going to be okay. Thank you God for looking out for our Big Poppa!

Tiff

Do you dance in the rain?

I have mentioned before this craziness my family has been through this past year & seems to continue to endure. I have referred to this time as a flood or series of storms. The other day I came across this quote, "When the storm passes .... dance in the rain." I don't have any idea why this stood out to me. I've really thought about it. Dancing in the rain?

Okay here is what I feel like God has been teaching me through all of this, bare with the metaphor please.

First of all, being a believer is not easy. No where in the Bible does God guarantee us a perfect & calm life by following him. In fact, it is quite the opposite. However, He does tell us that He is good & He promises us that He will remain faithful & strong to the end. There is the calm before the storm (it's funny, I remember a few months before things began to get crazy, telling Tim that I was nervous b/c things were so good for us at the time -- yep, that was the calm before the storm). There are going to be times of drought, light showers, heavy rain. There will be thunderstorms & there will be flooding. There may even be damage & destruction during these times, but there is always a rainbow after the rain. I don't think our character & faith is near as inspiring during the calmness as they are during the rain. You see, I am realizing that it is these times, the times of rough waters that we can glorify our father. This is the time that people are watching. This is the time we can witness. This is the time we need to shout, "Bring the rain!" Read the lyrics to this song:

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty


So, back to my question, do you dance in the rain? Are you willing to trust God to bring you anything that brings Him glory? I am learning to be okay with dark clouds & trust God's plan for me. I think God wanted to remind me that just because my life is experience a storm, doesn't mean my heart is. I can still have joy & peace in my heart. I can still dance in the rain!

-- Tiff

Mom, do you miss her?

The other day we were all at Tim's parents house. Tyler & I were inside, while everyone else was outside. As we were walking out the door Tyler stopped & looked up at me & asked, "mom, do you miss her?" My heart fell to the ground. "Oh honey, I miss her so much!" Tyler looked down with such sadness, "it's just not the same here without her."

One of the hardest things has been loosing Tim's mother. She has been gone 4 months now & my heart just aches for her. I miss her so much! Honestly, not very many days go by with this sudden brokenness creeping in on me, filling my eyes with tears. Sometimes I miss her so much I just want to scream! Especially when her son makes me mad :) I told this story at her funeral . . . one time Tim & I were having a little storm of our own (of course it was his fault!). Betty & I were talking about him on one of our many car rides & she told me, "next time he does that, you just roll him up in a sheet & beat him with the broom! And if you need help, call me!" Oh how I wanted to beat him the other night (but I think I got the broom confused with a bat!) lol

. . . When I married her son I was barely 20 years old. Tim & I didn't date very long before we decided to "run off & get married" (I wish she would have been there). Everyone tried to talk us out of getting married, "your jumping out of the frying pan into the fire." Not Betty, she knew I was the one, she knew he loved me & she knew we'd be okay. Tim was her baby, spoiled rotten. Their relationship was incredible. I love to hear all of their stories together. This blog isn't about them though, it's about us! "Heee Heee!" -- she would laugh.

When I first met Betty I didn't think we had anything in common. I was a CITY GIRL & she was all COUNTRY! I move about 100 miles away from my family & was out in the middle of the boonies. No one ever thought I'd make it. I'm sure they all had bets on how long I would last. Anyway, I didn't know what I was going to do with Tyler for childcare while I finished school & worked part-time. One night Betty called & asked Tim if I would let her watch Tyler. Let her? What a relief! Betty took such good care of my baby. They fell in love with each other. (more stories there too) We began spending more & more time together, laughing at our differences. Now that she is gone I look back & realize how much we did have in common.

I think it is the summer & watermelon . . . Summer time is one of my favorite memories with her. We had a tradition: Almost every summer night Paw Paw & Grandma would bring a watermelon over. We would all sit on the porch, complaining about how hot it was, & cool off with all the watermelon we could possibly eat. This year no one seems to be as excited about watermelon. Paw Paw looks so sad when he comes without grandma. Sometimes the kids get so excited, almost as if they think he might just bring her one more time. You can see the disappointment in all of our eyes as we try to adjust to life with out Betty.

We miss her!

THANK YOU!

Family: Whew! What a year it has been for all of us! Thank you for checking on Trevor & just being there. We love you!!

Friends: Tonia & Amy D. you will never know how much your dinner Saturday night meant to me. What a true blessing to return home from one of the worst days of my life to know we were in your thoughts *without even knowing the situation. God used you to do a great thing that Saturday! Thank you for being such wonderful friends!

Michelle(s), Alison, Beth, & Amanda, Andrea your phone call, e-mail, cards in the mail, dinner/prize for Trevor -- WOW! You made me smile during this storm.

Church family: Thank you for your prayers & thoughtfulness.
-- Michelle, your visit was so sweet, I enjoyed it. Stewart, thank you for continuing to check in with us. Parker your phone call FOR TREVOR was so sweet!

So many of you were fabulous during this time. I thank God for all of you!

TLT Prayer Warriors: So many of you blessed my family with your concern. Your e-mails & comments were very encouraging. You are all incredible!

Denton Police Department: Thank you for being so understanding!

Kid's First Pediatrics: You are a fantastic group of women/mothers/doctors. Thank you for taking such good care of my baby. You pointed us in the right direction & followed his care all the way. I hope I don't see any of you again for a very long time. lol

Trevor's appointment with the specialist

We went to our "last" appointment with the ENT today. Trevor is feeling much better & his face is looking much better! The knot is still there, but it is more than likely scar tissue & not an infection anymore. The redness, fever, swelling, etc. is gone, now it is just hard & a little raised, which leads the doctors to believe it is scar tissue. This knot will probably remain for several months. It is still very tender & Trevor is sick of people/doctors touching it.

The hard part now is keeping him out of the sun as much as possible. Being outside is one of his favorite things to do, so this is very difficult. We have invested in a couple hats & sun screen will allow him a little more freedom once the wound is completely heeled, but for now we are trying our best to keep him out of direct sun. Tim is so sweet, he got out his old huge umbrella, & put it next to his kiddie pool for him.

We are going to take the doctors advice & consult with a plastic surgeon once we can tell the severity of the scarring. Mainly b/c the wound on the bridge of his nose ripped a hunk of skin off & the one on his cheek had to be opened a couple of times due to the infection. We are concerned that these may not leave a clean scar. I am afraid the one on his cheek is going to heal like a brand type scar. We aren't crazy about plastic surgery, but would like an opinion.

Today was a good day. We laughed, played & made cookies! (& were even in bed before 9pm)

Tiff

Saturday - Back from the doctor

We are home from what I am going to call "The Last Appointment With the Ped's!" We have an appointment on Tuesday with the specialist & as long as he is comfortable with Trevor's wound we are on the road to recovery! He still has a "knot" on his face & it was drained in the hospital (without surgery) a little & it has seeped a little the past 2 days on its own. We are hoping the hardness we are feeling is just scar tissue. I've been told this can last for months! We aren't completely out of the woods, but it is sure looking good!

Once we know that he is not at risk for infection, we will deal with the scarring.

Trevor's spirits are good. He really missed his brothers & sister. It is such a blessing to just sit & watch them play. I didn't realize until yesterday how tired I was. My house is slowly being put back together, but for now I am just enjoying my kids!

Thank you sooooo much, from the bottom of my heart, for EVERYTHING! There has only been one other week in my life as difficult & heart-wrenching as this one & I appreciate the concern & support you have shown our family.

THANK YOU!

Tiff