How Are Things?

It’s been 2 weeks since Taylor left.  So, how are things?

At first life sorta stood still.  We were in mourning if you will.  In fact Tyler asked me one day last week if “I lost my giggles.”  :)  Although I have yet to make it an entire day without crying, I am wearing make up again – which is a huge step.  The boys are great medicine & things seem brighter with each passing day.  I still feel like I’m just going through the motions at times – Smiling, pretending life is “okay” when people ask, holding it together as much as possible when confronted with the situation.  I guess I’m a little depressed.  Not suicidal crazy manic depressed or this is the end of the world feelings – just sad.  I guess to be expected.  God has been so faithful in comforting me & reminding me more times than I deserve that this is all in His control. 

We haven’t heard from her either.  I’m not sure if that made things better or worse.  We gave her a week to settle in, let emotions die down, & I thought maybe she would call to let us know how her new life is, but NO.  Tim did call her just to let her know he was thinking about her, but he said she seemed very dry - “Yes, Sir.  No, Sir. . . “  I haven’t spoken to her since the night she left 2 weeks ago. 

Truthfully, I don’t know what I would say to her right now anyway.  I have so many mixed emotions.  It is an inner battle at times to not make this about me.  If I let my mind wander too far, feelings of insecurity creep in – was our home that bad?  I know I was a good mom to her, but it is so hard to let go.  You know, the infamous mommy line, “After all I did for you . . .”  Not being wanted is very difficult to swallow.  Especially when the alternative is what it is.  But then God graciously reminds me:  “This is NOT about you or what kind of mom you are.“  My reply, “Yes Father.”  I find myself almost speechless.  Which is very rare for me!  - But it’s okay . . .

The other day I just sat parked on our dirt road & sang the words to Mercy Me’s song, Word of God Speak

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say
[CHORUS]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak
I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice
[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

I think about our girl a lot.  I miss her deeply.  I worry about her constantly, but I know this is where we need to be.  I’m just trying to “Be Still” & see God’s majesty in the midst of this storm.  One of my friend’s facebook status’ read:   “Sometimes Life throws us a wave, but guess what? I'm a surfer. I ride that wave, and my lifeguard walks on water , so I'm safe!”