Prayer Request

It’s been nearly a year since our daughter, Taylor, went to live with her mom & I have been very reserved in updating very much detail on the situation.  It was a very dark season of life for us & still brings a wave of emotions & opinions.  When she first left I shared this vision,

“He (God) is at work in our daughter’s life & I feel something big is going to happen.”

I couldn’t pin-point it, but was willing to put all my trust in the Lord & wait for, as one of my readers described, that the other side of the tapestry to be revealed in all its glory.

Well, I think we are beginning to see the bigger picture & it is WAY bigger than I ever imagined! 

*Please know I am sharing this with permission*

Taylor’s mom is in the hospital.  She is 26 weeks pregnant & has been diagnosed with a serious heart condition (the 2 main valves in her heart are leaking).  The baby appears to be developing at a healthy rate, but she is not expected to carry the pregnancy to 30 weeks & has been given a 70% chance of dying within the first 24 hours of delivery. 

I visited her last week & was truly in awe of the way the Lord filled her room.  From the smile on her face, the peace in her voice, the people that visited her, the concern of the nurses . . . God was so there!!  I went there to witness to her – to encourage & pray with her, but I think she did way more for me than I did for her.  We serve a mighty & awesome God don’t we?

Just months ago, I sat in bed for 6 long weeks of bedrest praying I would not loose my baby & trying to wrap my mind around the risk having a bloodclot put me at personally.  I struggled with my fear.  I learned first hand, after burying a baby, that trusting & believing God to answer my prayers, doesn’t always mean answering them the way I want Him too.  It was a true battlefield in my mind to be okay with God’s plan in the situation.

I sit here tonight, my boys tucked in their beds, expecting to deliver a healthy baby any day now, overjoyed with the Lord’s blessings upon me.  A part of me is so excited for what is going on in my life, but another part of me hurts deeply for the woman in another hospital who doesn’t know if she will ever see her unborn child.  Who am I Lord?

Eight years ago today sat in a hospital room & watched my less than 1 pound baby boy’s heart stop beating in the palm of my husbands hand.  I felt the fear every mother dreads.  I wasn’t where she is & our circumstances are a lot different, but I can empathize with her slightly.  All I can say is from one mom to another that has been down the path of being totally dependent on the Lord & trusting His plan without understanding it – I sense the same peace that came over me in those dark days in Taylor’s mom.  Her light is shinning & she has the peace that only comes from the Lord.

Please lift April, her unborn daughter – Jayla, & Taylor up in prayer. 

“Lord, I lift April up to you & pray for protection over her & her baby.  Protect her spirit, body, & emotions from any harm.  I pray that sickness may have no hold over her life.  Specifically Lord I ask that you heal her heart.  Give the doctors wisdom & guide them in her care.  I pray she will seek you as her refuge & walk in your ways so that she may remain under your protection.  Keep her safe in all that she does & wherever she goes.  Cover her in Your faithful love & mighty mercy, show her your amazing grace!  I pray all of this in your son Jesus’ name.”

People say God never gives us more than we can handle, but really He does.  I believe that sometimes God allows us to be in a position so HE is all we have.  Nothing is impossible without Him!  Even at the worst time God is shaping us for what is ahead.  What the devil means for evil our God WILL bring good from it!!

Our Prodigal Daughter & My Prayer For Her

 

Our daughter has been heavy on my heart lately.  I still live in a sea of emotions when it comes to her – I seem to rock from anger, to sinking with guilt, to spreading my arms wide enjoying the peace as the wind brushes my face (insert Titanic moment with good ol’ Leo & the so beautiful Kate Winslet).

At times I feel so angry with her & her rebellious spirit.  My attitude & thoughts of her mother & her mother’s boyfriend far surpass anger & borderline on pure hatred.  I hate hating them.  I am no better than them.  I have my own wicked ways, but I have chosen to walk with the Lord who continues to purge me of them (daily!)  Then I am reminded of Ephesians 6:12 – the battle really isn’t between us & them or her, but it is between good & evil.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against...the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  NIV

I love the Messages translation of the later part of this verse:

“This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.”

I love how this is found in the same chapter, where just a few verse before lays God’s instruction & promise to children,

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  ‘Honor your father and mother’ – which is the first commandment with a promise – ‘that it may go will with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’ ” Ephesians 6:1-3

Today as I did my Bible study I felt the Lord wrapping His arms around me in a Father comforting his daughter kind of way.  He gave me the bad news . . . Psalm 107:17-18

^“Some are fools [despise wisdom & discipline] through their rebellious ways and suffered affliction [pain] because of their iniquities [sin].  They loathed all food (in Big Daddy’s famous words, “don’t nothing suite them!” ) and drew near the gates of death.

It is expected when our hearts are rebelled against God that we will be subject to a bitter life & it is inevitable that we will stumble.  We should not be surprised when we hear of our daughters mishaps.  Life is meant to be hard when we separate ourselves from God & choose to disobey Him.  As, in my opinion, our daughter has.  But then my Father shared the good news in verses 19 & 20 . . .

“Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and He saved them from their distress.
He sent out his word and healed them; He rescued them from the grave.”

The Amplified version translates the grave as “the pit & destruction.”  As badly as the strong motherly instincts within me so deeply desire to rescue her from her pit of destruction, it is not my job. 

“. . . For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” 2 Chronicles 20:15

Our daughter must cry out to God.  She has to seek His guidance not mine.  I truly believe once she turns her attention to her Heavenly Father, she will become a totally different girl.  She is so brokenhearted with disappointment from her mother.  She carries it with her & allows it to pull her down.  As Lisa Harper says in her book, “A Perfect Mess” – “Our mess is His message . . . God is not watching from a distance He is drawing closer to the brokenhearted people.”  Our daughter is in the midst of her story (His message).  I cannot stand in the way of that – I will trust the Lord will purge her & discipline her in His Time.  He will bring her sins (& those influences that are not ordained by Him) before her.   She must go through this situation to understand that she cannot truly live without God.  I found such reassurance in Miss. Harper’s book, “The wicked won’t last.  They may have their season in the sun when it seems they are on top of the world.  But their days are numbered.  It won’t be long before God yanks those who defy Him out of their abscesses existence.”  Amen!  Then & only then will our daughter claim verses 21 & 22 and share her story . . .

“So thank God for his marvelous love, for his miracle mercy to the children he loves;
   Offer thanksgiving sacrifices, tell the world what he's done—sing it out!”  -The Message

 

My prayer for our daughter (taken partly from “When Mother’s Pray” by Cheri Fuller):

Father God,

You are an awesome God!  You are our ultimate parent.  I pray for your will to be done in our lives.  Lord, you know what we need & you hear our prayers before we’ve spoken.  Forgive us for our sinful ways & selfish desires.  Teaches to be merciful & show others the same grace You have bestowed on us.  Protect us from evil & guard us from temptation. 

Father, you know my heart, you hold all my tears in your hand.  I thank you for the circumstances that have lead us to where we are . . . Our home was a battlefield.  Every boundary we set, every authority we exercised, each time we attempted to hold our daughter accountable, the more she resisted.  Although, you gave her to us, we know that she is yours first.  I did my part Lord, I fed her your word & taught her your ways.  Now I must faithfully lay down my ways, patiently Be Still & allow you to do your part.  I have not written her off, but I will not rescue her.  I trust that You will go after her & save her from destruction.  I pray that whatever may come is all apart of your good plan & will ultimately turn her to You.  Let her see with clear eyes the path that she is on.  Do not allow her to conform to the ways of this world.  Separate her from any influences that are not ordained by You.  This is your battle Lord, avenge them speedily!  I pray that those who would lure her into evil will lose interest & flee from her.  I also pray that you will hedge her in so she won’t be able to contact those who are out of Your will.

Your word promises us that you work everything out, even this situation, for good.  I understand nature’s seasons; I know it is time to wait.  Fill us with assurance that you won’t delay one moment longer than is necessary.  Give us the faith we need to be lean not on our own understandings, but to trust in you.  You are mighty to save – hear our prayers Father & rescue our daughter.

How Are Things?

It’s been 2 weeks since Taylor left.  So, how are things?

At first life sorta stood still.  We were in mourning if you will.  In fact Tyler asked me one day last week if “I lost my giggles.”  :)  Although I have yet to make it an entire day without crying, I am wearing make up again – which is a huge step.  The boys are great medicine & things seem brighter with each passing day.  I still feel like I’m just going through the motions at times – Smiling, pretending life is “okay” when people ask, holding it together as much as possible when confronted with the situation.  I guess I’m a little depressed.  Not suicidal crazy manic depressed or this is the end of the world feelings – just sad.  I guess to be expected.  God has been so faithful in comforting me & reminding me more times than I deserve that this is all in His control. 

We haven’t heard from her either.  I’m not sure if that made things better or worse.  We gave her a week to settle in, let emotions die down, & I thought maybe she would call to let us know how her new life is, but NO.  Tim did call her just to let her know he was thinking about her, but he said she seemed very dry - “Yes, Sir.  No, Sir. . . “  I haven’t spoken to her since the night she left 2 weeks ago. 

Truthfully, I don’t know what I would say to her right now anyway.  I have so many mixed emotions.  It is an inner battle at times to not make this about me.  If I let my mind wander too far, feelings of insecurity creep in – was our home that bad?  I know I was a good mom to her, but it is so hard to let go.  You know, the infamous mommy line, “After all I did for you . . .”  Not being wanted is very difficult to swallow.  Especially when the alternative is what it is.  But then God graciously reminds me:  “This is NOT about you or what kind of mom you are.“  My reply, “Yes Father.”  I find myself almost speechless.  Which is very rare for me!  - But it’s okay . . .

The other day I just sat parked on our dirt road & sang the words to Mercy Me’s song, Word of God Speak

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say
[CHORUS]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak
I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice
[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]
I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

I think about our girl a lot.  I miss her deeply.  I worry about her constantly, but I know this is where we need to be.  I’m just trying to “Be Still” & see God’s majesty in the midst of this storm.  One of my friend’s facebook status’ read:   “Sometimes Life throws us a wave, but guess what? I'm a surfer. I ride that wave, and my lifeguard walks on water , so I'm safe!”

TIME

This place we are at is so sad.  The intensity & mixture of emotions is overwhelming at times.  As one of my friends described, “my eyes are flooded with tears.”  BUT, I do have a sense of peace deep within.  Although I do NOT understand it, I know this is God's timing.  Many have asked “what happened?”  Others have judged us without any understanding of what we are doing.  So, how did we get here?  Well, there were circumstances that led us here, but those are just the cause, not the reason . . .

*Please bare with me as I try to share my heart with you & tell the great things God is doing to show me He is in control.  My heartaches & my mind is racing, but I feel lead to share with you how good God is even when things seem out of control.  He has used several people & circumstances to speak to me & I am slowly seeing how it all comes together.  I pray the Lord allows me share what is on my heart in away that you may understand & that will bring Him glory.

About a week ago my sister called & asked me if I would help her with one of her school projects.  I excitedly agreed & asked what we’d be working on.

“TIME”

She explained that she had to create a canvas on TIME.  We began to discuss possible themes, but little did I know this was not some crafty project for me to play with.  This was the Lord whispering in my heart & I just didn’t know it at that time.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago.  Taylor & I were having a disagreement (nothing extraordinary from our usual issues with her).  Later that night she was on the phone with her mom telling her how horrible I was & I asked her, “Why am I the only one you stay angry with?  Why am I the only one that isn't allowed to make any mistakes?"  She looked at me straight in the face, her heart hardened right before my eyes . . .  I'm not sure what exactly she said because it hurt so bad my heart literally fell on the ground & a piece of me died right there.  She told me how deep inside her was this hate for me that she just couldn't get rid of . . . How I made her sick.  I could just see it.  She was gone.  My time with her was done.  The tone of her voice & the look on her face spoke louder than the words that came out of her mouth.  I felt like there was a spiritual battle going on in my kitchen & right at that very moment the devil had a hold of her heart.  I ran outside crying.  Fell to my knees & cried out to God.  I poured my heart out to Him. When I finally returned to the house I told Tim & Taylor both that I was done & that it was time for her to call her mom.  Tim cried, but stood right behind me.  He told her he didn't know what else I could do or what either of us could do differently, but he wasn't going to allow her to tear our home apart like this any longer.  We both told her we loved her & would be praying for her, but it was time.

At first I didn’t understand all of this at.all.  I couldn’t have even explained what happened for a few days.  Sunday at church our preacher spoke on 1 John.  He told the story of Pharaoh & the plagues.  As I listened to him tell how Pharaoh repeatedly refused to obey God & each time his heart was hardened I gained my first glimpse of what the Lord was doing in our home.  I had words to put with what had happened the night before. 

Then as I read through each of the comments on my last post, I found such comfort in the comment one of you left:

You have been doing what the Bible instructs parents to do - raise your daughter to know the LORD and to obey His Word. She needs to know that she is a sinner - like we all are - and that she needs a Savior. Then she needs to know that once you make that commitment to Christ, there are some rules to follow - not that we will be perfect at following them - but that we are to strive for and love perfect obedience to our Savior. And for children that obedience to the Savior includes obedience to our parents as our authority covering. I'm thankful that God loves your little girl so much more than you ever could, and I know that He will be working in her life even harder. This is His plan though our understanding is not. And His plans are always perfect and will be brought to completion.
I will pray for you all for peace and acceptance of His plan, that the other side of the tapestry will be revealed in all its glory when the time is right.

THANK YOU!!  It was almost as if you looked deep inside my heart & spoke the words I could not find.  I hope you know dear friend that the Lord used you to speak to me.  Many blessings!

The past few days have been very sad.  I was struggling with feeling like I failed.  Tim was consumed with worry & fear.  Then a friend called me . . .

Back up several months ago.  A close friend of mine had asked me if I would help her pick out some curriculum for her to do a state study.  She didn’t feel comfortable with what she was using because it wasn’t from a Christian perspective.  What I picked out solved that problem & appeared to be within her financial means.  A couple weeks pasted & I asked her if she had ordered her curriculum.  Disappointedly she explained something had come up & she hadn’t been able.  Well, I had been blessed with several photoshoots & was pondering what to do with 10% of my earnings.  I was planning on tithing it, but God told me to order curriculum for her instead.  The total was almost exact to the 10%.  Her curriculum arrived & she was exasperated with the blessing.  It was the Lord is all I told her. 

. . . She called a couple days ago & explained that they had just begun their study & she had to read me the introduction which began with a brief reference to Ecclesiastes 3:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace.

. . . these times are ordained by God Himself & are not under our control.  These are His times.  It is evident in Lydia’s *salvation that even the time of our mourning over sin & turning to Christ is one of His times in our lives.

He has ordained all the times in our lives.  There is no such thing as chance, luck, or accident in the Christian journey.  Our times of planting, sewing, laughter, sorrow, mourning, and financial prosperity or loss are under His control.  If we look to Him during these times we eventually truly see that He has made everything beautiful in His time.

All things work together for good to them that love God to them who are called according to his purpose”  Romans 8:28

Because we know that God is providentially controlling the events of our lives & we know that his hand of providence is guided by his heart of love we are able to do as we are instructed in Psalms 41:10  “Be Still & Know that I am God”.

*This was taken from the introduction of the Texas State History curriculum from State History From a Christian Perspective.

I have to tell you the peace that came over me almost instantly as she read this to me.  God was no longer whispering, He was clearly speaking loud & clear.  You see, these scriptures were the 2 scriptures that I clinged to when Tim’s mom died.  The first passage I picked out & added to the video I made for her funeral:

The other scripture was the basis for the message preached at her funeral.  This woman was not just my mother-in-law, she was my best friend.  She was a major part of all of our lives.  I love her soooo much & miss her tremendously.  When my friend shared these scriptures with me it was much needed confirmation that God was at work in our family.

To some it may seem like we have thrown our daughter to the wolves.  To others it may appear that we have given up on her.  A few assume we don’t want her anymore. 

None of this is in our hearts.  We love our daughter very much.  Living with her mother has been something she has wanted for a very long time now.  So it is not like we have washed our hands of her & sent her away.  We have not given up on her.  We have given her to the Lord.  Just as the father of the prodigal son had to let his son go, we must let our daughter go.

*Over the last few days I have struggled with what exactly to pray for.  The only thing I truly know without a doubt is to pray for her salvation.  It honestly is not important where she lives or who she lives with here on earth.  The most important thing is that she learns to live for a much bigger purpose.  We are not meant to be comfortable on this earth or to become of this world.  Our focus should be on our heavenly home with our Father in heaven.  So wherever she is.  Whatever happens, my prayer is that it all works to a greater good & serves as a part of His plan.

“In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will”  Ephesians 1:11

The Lord has used so many people to open my eyes, to allow me to see His presence, & feel Him at doing what He does best – Being God.  In complete control.  I’m not certain of very much & there is still a lot I don’t understand, but I promise you, He is at work in our daughter’s life & I feel something big is going to happen.  Tonight as I read other posts from blogs in my reader I heard the Lord speaking one more time.  McMama posted this quote from Francis Chan at the end of one of her posts today,

“It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are. But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that he didn’t call you there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and superficial peace…God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through”

There was no doubt in my mind that God brought Taylor to our house when He did 5 years ago.  Her coming to live with us was an answered prayer, a total God Thing.  And now her leaving has left us in a situation where our child will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through.  We are unafraid to trust God completely with our child.  I refuse to question or doubt my faithful loving Father.  I trust that He is in control & that He will work it all out - in His time. 

Emptiness . . . Failure . . . Heartache . . .

I never ever in a million years would have imagined I would be feeling this pain again . . . this emptiness, sense of failure, & total brokenness that my heart aches to the point that I am sick to my stomach.

Eight years ago Tim & I were newlyweds of only a few months & were sucked into a darkness of not only one court battle for custody of Taylor, but also a second as I fought with all I had to protect Tyler from a situation I felt wasn’t safe for him.  Then right smack in the middle of it all we lost our first child together, our son Talon.  I remember the mix of emotions that raced through my mind & consumed my heart – often sending me into crying fits or rages of anger.  The pain was almost unbearable.  It all seemed so unreal.  For all 3 of our children, we fought so hard, yet seemed to have lost them all in one way or another.

Fast forward a couple years . . . We are blessed with a beautiful baby boy who instantly stole all of our hearts, 18 months later we are blessed with another beautiful baby boy, Taylor comes to live with us (*without a fight) and Tyler’s situation gradually improves.  Life is good.  Not that we didn’t have our fair share of storms along the way.  But through it all – we had our children.

Tonight the boys are all tucked in their beds, but our daughter’s bed is empty.  She is gone.  She went to live with her mother.  And although she is still very much alive, I feel like we have lost her.  We both know the environment that she will be living in & how quickly it will change her – our sweet girl has changed so much we hardly recognize her anymore.  And once again our hearts are filled with emptiness. 

I’m not sure how much I will decide to share on my blog about this, but for now I want to ask you for your prayers as we all adjust to this new life apart.  I will probably be absent from my blog for a little bit.  I’m quite the array of emotions as one minute I feel so sad and the next I’m so mad I could scream.  I feel like I have failed.  I have failed our daughter.  And more so, I feel like I have failed a task the Lord gave me.  I’m just a mess right now so I’ll try to spare you the ramblings of “the other mom”. 

Dealing with Lying.

Here are the scriptures & such that Taylor is working on:

“Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.”  - Ps. 34:13

“The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful.”  Prov. 12:22

“Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment.”  Prov. 12:19

“Do not steal.  Do not lie.  Do not deceive one another.”  Lev. 19:11

“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”  John 8:32

“Do everything without complaining or arguing.  Then you will be blameless & innocent.  You will shine like stars among people who are crooked and corrupt.  You will be God’s children without any fault among the world.”  Phil. 2:14-15

“Whatever happens, give thanks, because it is God’s will in Christ Jesus that you do this.”  1 Thes. 5:18

“Every person should obey the government in power.  No government would exist if it hadn’t been established by God.  The government which exists have been put in place by God.”   Rom 13:1

I also had her:

Define:  Honesty, Lie, Deceit/Deception

Find Synonyms & Antonyms for honesty.

Copy & Memorize:

“Honesty is a commitment to truth in thought, word, and deed.  Telling the truth is the key to good character.  An honest person can be trusted; he is reliable and other people can count on her.  Honesty involves making a conscious decision (and daily choices) to base your life upon the truth and to live in truth.”

“The lie is the refuge of the coward when he is found out in a fault.”  - Charlotte Mason

“A man who lies to himself, and believes his own lies, becomes unable to recognize truth, either in himself or in anyone else, and he ends up losing respect for himself and for others.  When he has no respect for anyone, he can no longer love, and in him, he yields to his impulses, indulges in the lowest form of pleasure, and behaves in the end like an animal in satisfying his vices.  And it all comes from lying to others and yourself.”  -Fyodor Dostoevsky

After she memorized the first section (which I found HERE) she smiled & said, “I feel good.”  It was rewarding for her to have accomplished this.  I was proud of her memorization, but more proud out of the self-satisfaction she got out of it.  More than proud though, I am hopeful it is the Lord working on her heart.  Lying has been a demon our daughter has had to fight for a very long time & she will more than likely have to fight this “addiction” her entire life.  I’m not sure what her motive is or what exactly she is “getting out of it” but I will say it is very frustrating being the one holding her accountable & encouraging her when I know she is seeing her mom lie & deceive us (& in her eyes, getting away with it). I can only imagine as a young girl how confusing this must be for her.  As an adult it makes the mama bear in me come out.  Yes, her mother is fully aware of this & still continues down the same path.  I just pray she doesn’t drag Taylor down it with her.  I try to find comfort in know Who is directing her path . . . 

The “Other” Woman

When Big Daddy & I first began dating his relationship with Taylor’s mom had just ended.  So, it was understandable for a 3 year old to be very upset by The “Other” Woman.  The relationship had been over long before I came along, but to Taylor,  I was definitely The “Other” Woman since it had recently just ended in her eyes.  I remember moving into Tim’s house right after our wedding & Taylor telling me, “If you & your son would move back to your mama’s, me & my mama could move back here!!!” 

. . . It took a very long time for her to get passed the fact that her daddy “wanted” me here.  I’m sure apart of her naturally blamed me for her parents not getting back together, but it didn’t exactly come out that way.  Rather than plot her parents reunion, she plotted my departure.  Up until recently, & probably even on some days now, she was convinced that she could do everything I did & better.  Her daddy didn’t “need” me!  She could take care of him just fine.  After all, she was 9 & was totally ready to quite school, cook & clean.  And as for her brothers, they could go with me – he didn’t need them either. 

She seriously had this fantasy world imagined WITHOUT me in it.  The idea that “her daddy” need me was absurd!  Much less, would she even consider the fact that he WANTED me around.  I was just the “Other” Woman. 

Just like I was the “Other” Woman for so many years, I have also been the “other” mom.  Despite the fact that I am the one at doctors visits, teacher conferences, & shopping sprees I’m still “just the step-mom.”  I don’t think this attitude is vengeful like it was years ago, but nonetheless it is still hurtful.  It is easy to pour love out on a child that “isn’t yours”, but it is extremely difficult to have that love rejected or even thrown in your face from time to time. 

Taylor’s mom is almost the complete opposite of me, so it is almost impossible for Taylor to refrain from comparing the two of us.  It has been a huge challenge for me to show her the blessing God gave her with 2 moms.  As much as I’d like to sit here & type about what a good mom I am – I know I fail her daily.  There are admittedly things that I lack that her mom is able to make up for & vice-versa.  Discipline is the main culprit in the comparison dilemma.  Most of the time I am the main disciplinarian (I’m also the one that spends the most time with her) & her mother disciplines her the least (understandably so for the most part considering she only sees her every-other weekend).  So, Taylor has questioned who is right – who really loves me?  The one that disciplines me & holds me accountable or the one that let’s me do what I want & does what I say?  At times I’m sure each of us are wrong in our theories, but what I remind Taylor of is that I am using the Bible as my guide.  My choices are based on what I feel the Lord wants me to do as a mother.  If I am wrong, He will deal with me.  There isn’t a need for right or wrong or better or worse.  Maybe someday she will realize that 2 mom’s can love her – each in their own way.

. . . “More Chronicles of a Step-mom”

Chronicles of a “MEAN Step-Mom”

This morning on Facebook one of my friends from high school’s status update read:

“Being a step-mom is hard.”

I couldn’t but help laugh a little sigh of relief. (Sorry Jen!)

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one in the step-mom trenches.  I carry very heavy luggage of guilt around every time something goes wrong.  I take it personal.  Sometimes it is my own bags & other times it is baggage someone else tossed at me & instead of setting it down at the curb & walking away, I decide to hold on to it.  Either way, after a while of carrying all this luggage around I get tired & weighed down. 

I have came along way on this journey  . . . The Lord has taught me a lot about myself & parenting through raising a child I didn’t give birth to but really do love like she is mine.  A child that I call mine, but I’m not hers.  “Hard” just begins to explain this trip into step-motherhood.  Insane is more like it. 

I have held back A LOT on this blog of mine more so out of fear of what could be misconstrued in court than anything, but today as I read the struggles of another “step-mom” & then saw the “I agrees” of other “not real moms” I’ve decided to laugh instead of cry . . . so bare with me as I chronicle this crazy journey of being a “Mean Step-Mom”.

I remember the first time I met Taylor . . . It was Tim & I’s first date & we decided to take the kids to the zoo.  Taylor was 3 & B.A.D.  Girlfriend, was a screaming lunatic with very little discipline.  She seriously thought she was the boss of me (& just about everyone else . . . everyone, but her daddy that is.  He was her equal of course.)  I know she liked me, but every time she caught herself smiling or being nice to me, she would get this crazy Sassy Mae attitude & suddenly I was her worst enemy.  Sometimes I wasn’t even aloud to look at her!  “Daddy, she is looking at me!”  - She would proclaim.  And it was at a much higher pitch if I spoke to her, “Don’t talk to me!”  She demanded.  So I was not “allowed” to look or talk to this 3 year old little diva.  And this was just the beginning of a very long treacherous power struggle between me & daddy’s girl. 

Welcome to stepmom-hood:  one minute you are loved & appreciated. . .

The next minute you are unappreciated & unwanted. 

 

Let us not become weary in doing good,

for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

– Galatians 6:9

My Mama Said . . .

There would be days like this …

As much as I try to be “real” on my blog & as transparent as possible, I also try  not to whine or air my dirty laundry.  And I also seldom post “same day” posts *ESPECIALLY when I have had days like this!  But today I just want to scream & cry.  It has just been one of those days.

Today was a horrible terrible no good very bad day.

I am totally exhausted & it isn’t even dark outside.

I think my oldest & youngest have paired up & are in cahoots to send me to the looney farm.

Taylor is back at her old games & Truman has learned a few new ones of his own (that involve screaming at window shatter pitches most of the day).

Being a mom is sooooo hard!  I just want my mom!!  (only she is a few states away)

Being a “step-mom” is even harder.  The temptation of just quitting is quite alluring at this point.

I just concluded the last week of Lisa Whelchel’s Creative Corrections Bible study.  Monday, I would have told you how great things were, how the storm had passed & we were finally sailing on smooth water & clear skies.  Today = NOT SO MUCH!

Have I mentioned how exhausted I am?  TOTALLY EXHAUSTED.

So here is the low-down:

Taylor is in her 4th week of public school.  Since the very first week, I have continued to ask her about her grades & have repeatedly been told “90’s!!  . . . doing GREAT!!”  So, you would understand my shock when yesterday I was given a progress report with a 0 & 40 on it for quiz grades.  Then to discover that the progress report was given the previous day & needed to be signed. 

Taylor’s math teacher, “why isn’t your progress report signed Taylor?” 

Taylor, “Oh she was too busy.  I put it in her in-box, but she just didn’t take time to sign it – she really didn’t care.”

Nice.  So, the quizzes need to be signed.  Wait, there is only 1 here.  Where is the other quiz?

Taylor, “My teacher didn’t give me that one.”

. . . After seeing her teacher at Bible Study last night we discover the quiz WAS given back to be signed.  Taylor just took the liberty of signing it herself. 

So, for some reason waiting a day made a huge difference to Taylor to show me.  As a result, she lost the opportunity at a free 100. 

What “creative correction” did we have you ask?  Lots!  She has pretty much lost everything!  Yep, right down to me picking out her clothes. 

The same old dance, just a different song. 

I am so discouraged!  I thought we were passed all of this. 

I guess not.  I cannot put into words the betrayal I feel.  I’m really not mad about the grades.  I am infuriated that I was lied to & that she lied to another adult & forged my signature. 

She is 12.  12!  Seriously?!  If she is forging my signature on progress reports at 12, what is it going to be when she is 16?  18? & so on?  I am so scared for her.  More than anything fear is terrorizing my very sole.  It is heartbreaking to have a child that continues to make the same bad choices over & over again, without any regards to right or wrong.  Trust is a HUGE thing to me.  It sucks not being able to trust one of your kids. 

I’m really trying not to take it personal, but it is extremely hard.  What am I doing wrong? 

To add to matters, she shows very little remorse.  She is more worried about herself & is having her own personal pitty-party because she is totally grounded – trying to make everyone feel sorry for.  Again, it is all about “her”.  I could go on & on about the silly games she is playing for pitty from anyone that will listen – telling people how awful I am b/c she had to take a PB&J for lunch (that in her words is “starving her”), how terrible it is that I picked her clothes today & did not allow her to participate in the camo spirit day.  Blah Blah Blah – still all about her.  She is more sorry for being caught than she is for hurting us. 

Please pray for me.  I know I am entitled to be angry & have every right to have my feelings hurt, but I HATE this feeling inside of me.  It just sucks the life out of me which is not fair to the rest of our family at all.  Please pray for Taylor as well.  I know she loves the Lord, but she is making crazy choices!

PS.  Pray for Truman too.  He is entering “baby boot camp” asap!    :)

Taylor

Our sweet girl left this week for her summer visitation with her mom.  She will be gone most of the month of July.  It is always hard to see the kids go off & honestly it is even harder when they come back –> adjusting back to our rules & expectations isn’t always easy for any of us, but it is just part of this blended family thing, so we make it work the best we can.   A lot has changed since THIS post, when I prayed:

I pray mostly for Taylor . . .

That He holds her in His arms & gives her a peace & understanding for His plan.  That she does not seek anyone more than God.  I pray that she finds happiness in the Lord & not her living arrangements.  That she understands her value is not in the kind of parents she has, but in the kind God she serves.

God is soooo GOOD!  Taylor is doing extremely well.  She is in a much better place emotionally than EVER before!!  Although, she misses her mom (naturally) she seems to be at peace with the situation & definitely has a better understanding of the circumstances.  I truly believe the Lord took this burden from her & she has found joy in life. 

I pray for myself . . .

That I may give God the glory & be the bigger person – not a total bitch, but not a complete push-over either.  I pray that I can be a good wife, mom, & Christian no matter what.

No doubt – the Glory is all His!  I wish I could say I was always the bigger person, but I’m only human.  Emotions have settled & we are all handling things much better & doing our best to keep Taylor out of the middle.    

I pray for Taylor’s mom too . . .

I pray that God opens her eyes so that she may be the mom that Taylor needs.  I pray God opens her heart to do what is best for Taylor.  I told her a long time ago that no matter how good a mom I am to Taylor or how happy she is with us, some day she will look to her & have questions. 

Taylor’s mom is doing well in my opinion.  She has realized that for the time being we are able to provide a more stable home for Taylor; however, she is trying to improve her situation so that someday Taylor may be able to live with her.  I continue to pray for God to work in her life.

I pray for the lawyers & judge . . .

I am so thankful that we have a God fearing, kind, hard working, very good attorney fighting this battle with us.  He truly cares about Taylor & her safety much more than money.

I pray that God gives the judge a clear view of the situation & he makes the best ruling in regards to Taylor’s safety & spiritual walk.

I try not to get into too much detail; however, now that things are somewhat settled I can share that we still have custody & full conservatorship of Taylor.  Her mother agreed to counseling & a few other terms that were very important to us regarding her visits with Taylor.  She was also ordered to pay child support.

I pray for Taylor’s counselor . . .

That God uses her as a vessel to equip Taylor with the coping skills she so desperately needs as she is unfortunately in the middle.  I thank God for her counselor as she equips us to be better parents & urges us to keep Taylor out of it. 

All the adults attended group counseling.  Counseling has proven to be a great thing for all of us.  Taylor started going at least once a week – once on her own & once with one of us at times.  It has slowly decreased now to just once a month!  Just to keep this real – counseling is NOT easy.  There were times none of agreed, times we were all screaming at each other, lot’s of tears, & a great deal of work.  There were numerous occasions we disagreed (even with the counselor), but we toughed it out & with God’s grace we are doing well.

I pray for God’s will!

It is so easy to get carried away wanting to be right.  The Lord has reeled us all in & been so good to us.  He continues to work on all our hearts & mold us for His plan.  This summer Taylor has voiced her desire to return home for her schooling.  Over the next few weeks we will be prayerfully considering homeschooling Taylor next year.   My heart is in homeschooling, but I want to make sure that I am following God’s plan & not mine!!

Enough

Do you ever have enough?  The other day I overheard Trevor yelling at his brother, “Tucker!!  That is enough & I mean it!!”  Where on earth did he get that from.  Ahem! 

Yes, I have had enough at times & I meant it.

I take my job as a mommy very seriously & when someone insults my mommy skills it is rather hard to swallow.  I’m kinda sensitive like that.  Although I know I’m not perfect, I don’t really like to be told that & after hearing a list of all my mistake I kinda get enough of it . . .

I consider myself a GOOD mommy.  In fact, I’d say I am a VERY GOOD mommy.  Good, but not perfect.  I love my kids very much.  There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them.  They are my life!  However, I make mistakes – daily.  Hopefully, nothing too psychologically damaging.  In addition to taking my motherhood seriously, I also take my journey with God very seriously.  I love Jesus.  I love spending time with Him.  I love sharing about Him with my kids.  However, I fail daily at my Christ-like characteristics.  I try wholeheartedly to put the armor of God on & posses the fruits of the Spirit & each day I fall flat on my face!  But I try!!

During a rough time in being the other mom, I was continually feeling attacked.  A statement was made that attacked the kind of mom I am.  The statement really upset me, but so did my response unfortunately. 

The person making this statement was implying that I think I’m better than her.  Absolutely!  But only according to worldly standards.  In God’s eyes I think He was more disappointed in me than her.  Unfortunately, my response was not Christ-like, even though at the time I thought it was.  Instead of giving some therapeutic reflecting response like, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  or “So what I hear you saying . . .”  I took the sword of the spirit & stabbed my accuser right in the heart!  Sure did.  Romans 8:31 to be exact.  And almost instantly, God began to hold that stinkin’ mirror in my face.  Sure thang!  That night I could hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me  . . .

“Tiffany, you used my precious scripture to one up a fallen child of mine.  I love her just as I love you.  You did not use the sword of the spirit to fight MY battle, you used it to fight your own.  She is not the enemy my child.  I see your heart & I know you love Me.  Let that be enough.”

I am so glad He doesn’t get enough of me!