My Prayer For My Unborn Daughter

Lord,

Thank You for the precious gift of this sweet baby.  I come to you in Jesus’ name & lift my unborn daughter up to You.  I praise You for choosing me to carry her.  Father God, You knit her together in my womb & You have fearfully & wonderfully made her.  Your works are wonderful (Psalm 139:13-14).  You alone know what is best for her & what she needs & I release her to You to care for & protect.  For Lord, I know that in all things You work for the good of those who love You (Romans 8:28).  Teach me how to pray and guide me in exactly what to pray for.  Help me not to impose my own will, but to seek Your perfect will be done in my daughter’s life.  God, I know You do not grant requests that are not Your will.  I pray that my belief maybe strong enough to be in-line with Your will.  Your Son said, “I tell you the truth, if you have faith & do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go throw yourself into the sea.’ And it will be done.  If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." (Matthew 21:21-22)  Guide me in Your ways Lord, comfort me so I am not afraid, but just believe (Mark 5:36).  For it is only by faith that You release Your healing power.  If it is Your will, I ask that you heal my body & dissolve this blod-clot so that my sweet Taralyn can continue to grow in Your grace & knowledge.  I boldly pray & ask for a miracle so that You may be glorified both now & forever (2 Peter 3:18).

Help me to not live in fear, but in the joy & peace of knowing You are in control.  Remind me not to be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer & petition, with thanksgiving, present my requests to You.  Give me the peace which surpasses all understanding, guard my heart & my mind in Your Son Jesus Christ (Philippians 4:6-7).  Father, when I am weak you are strong – Your grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). 

Tomorrow, I will have another sonogram to see how my sweet girl is growing & hopefully discover that this nasty blood-clot has completely dissolved.  I’ve spent the past several weeks learning & practicing to rest in Him – Literally!  I’m trying to make the best of this situation, praying, reading God’s word, & spending quality time with my boys.  I’ve been reading The Power of the Praying Parent (*Parts of my prayer above is taken from this book*) & Beth Moore’s book, Believing God.  The Lord has brought me to this stillness in my life for a reason - I pray I rely in Him no matter where this path leads. 

Tickled PINK!

Sugar & Spice & Everything Nice

That’s What Little GIRLS are made of!!!!

Yes!  After 5 boys in a row, a little princess is on her way!

And of course, she is already quite the drama queen. . .

At 13 weeks Big Daddy took me to the ER after I began bleeding heavily.  I cannot explain the flood of emotions that consumed me as I knew the possibilities of what that much blood meant at the end of my first trimester.  The odds were not looking so good.  On our way to the hospital, honestly expecting to be told I was having a late miscarriage, my heart was breaking as the past began to haunt me with memories of a very similar situation with my pregnancy with Talon (our son who was born prematurely at 20 weeks).  I felt so abandoned . . .

“Lord, I’ve been down this road!  Remember?!  Oh please, don’t allow me to feel that pain again.”

I also knew it was God’s will that was best for my baby.  I did all I knew to do –             I cried out to my God!

At the ER it was discovered that I was in fact still very pregnant with a healthy appearing baby who was very active & had a strong heart beat.  But we were told I had a small “subchorionic hemorrhage” (a blood clot), which was also confirmed my OBGYN a few days later.  I was put on bedrest & within a couple of days the bleeding had completely stopped.  Praise God!  The clot was expected to pass or be absorbed within a few weeks. 

Three weeks later . . .

You know the look on someone’s face when they are about to give you some bad news?  Well that was the look I saw on the sono-tech’s face (who is also a friend of ours & has been the same sonographer for each of my pregnancies – yes, all five!  & let me tell you, there were lot’s of sonograms during those pregnancies!!) as he looked at the screen.  - The clot was no longer small.  It was shockingly “HUGE!”  Tears filled my eyes, but I was not about to loose hope or faith. 

Lord, she needs Your GRACE!

As I walked out of the room the office manager & I began to make small talk over a separate situation God had called me to.  I made the comment that sometimes God asks us to do something, but it isn’t always the act of doing it, but the willingness to obey Him.  As she heard me openly share my faith she asked me to sit with her so she could share a story with me . . .

Seventy years ago, her mother-in-law’s first baby was very sick & at 2 months old the doctor’s expected him to die.  By God’s grace, the baby improved after a blood-transfusion.  A year later she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  After only 20 days her sweet girl died.  A couple years later she delivered a healthy baby boy.  She loved her boys so much, but there was a hole in her heart & yearning for the daughter she had lost.  She so badly wanted a little girl.  A few years later she gave birth once again to another healthy baby boy.  As the nurses laid the baby on her, assuring her everything was okay, she persisted that something was wrong (keep in mind this took place during a period in history when there wasn’t prenatal care or sonograms).  She felt like she was having another baby.  Moments later, she delivered another baby!  A healthy baby GIRL!

As I listened to this story, I felt the Lord putting my fears at ease – He is in control!  And He works everything for the good.  I’d lie if I said I haven’t struggled with fear, but the Lord has been so faithful reminding me of Philippians 4:6-7

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer & petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts & your minds in Christ Jesus.” 

As our former pastor preached, “I’m at peace not because I trust nothing will happen, I’m at peace because I know God is walking with me.”  This time is definitely a time for growth in my faith & trusting in God’s Grace. 

I’ve continued to remain on strict bedrest & have been ever so blessed with the generosity of wonderful friends & family who have graciously brought meals, watched my kids, & even cleaned my dirty house.  I cannot tell you how much I have felt the presence of the Lord throughout the past several weeks. 

Monday I will return to the doctor for another sonogram.  Please pray with me that if it is God’s will the bloodclot will be completely gone!!

Not Enough

Chapter 2 of Ann Voskamp’s book, One Thousand Gifts, hit home hard for me.  I remember several months ago my mom calling me one afternoon & the conversation started as normal,  “Hey honey.  How are you doin’?”  Tears instantly filled my eyes & a huge lump was stuck in my throat.  All I could say was, “Mom.  I’m . . . soooo overwhelmed.” 

Taylor had just left, Truman was so sick, the holidays just ended, and I was trying to find some kind of normal for us.  I was totally overwhelmed with life.  I suddenly didn’t enjoy the hobbies I traded late at night instead of sleep, I was so short with those I loved most, & I was being really hard on myself.  All the sudden life hit me in the face with a 2x4 & I just didn’t feel like I was enough.  I love homeschooling – this is our life, but it felt like such a burden.  Each day, I woke up feeling like I was going to fail somewhere (again). How am I going to do this?  How am I going to teach them (all of them!) to read & write before they graduate?  Dinner?  Honey, is pizza okay again?  Every aspect of life overwhelmed me & I felt like I was failing at it all.  I was just not enough for these sweet little faces that look up to me.  I felt so much pressure to have it all together & I was so far from it. 

I had allowed circumstances, ridicule, things not going my way, things out of my control (but completely in His!), like Ann describes, “It’s the in-between that drives us mad.”  I was certifiable crazy at times.  Slowly, very slowly, & in all honesty, it was only by the GRACE of God that I was able to let go of that wild depression.  I began waking up oddly early & not being able to go back to sleep.  I had always deeply desired to wake up & have personal quite time with the Lord, but it just never seemed to work out.  I grasped this opportunity & found myself spending hours with God.  I was even getting a warm, quiet bath without any interruptions.  It was so nice.  It was the Lord, wrapping His arms around me & filling me up at a time I just didn’t feel like I was enough.  As one of the ladies at the book club shared, “I am enough, because He is enough.” 

My absolute favorite parts of chapter 2:

“How do we live fully, so that we are fully ready to die?”

“Jesus offers thanksgiving for even that which will break Him & crush Him & wound Him & yield a bounty of joy.  ….I’m celebrating greater gain through great loss.  ….The eucharist invites us to give thanks for dying.  To participate in His death with our own daily dying & give thanks for it.  ….grace, thanksgiving, joy – it might be like that – reaching for stars.  So hard.  So hard.  ….thanksgiving is what precedes the miracle of that salvation being fully worked out in our lives.”

This is a from another reader I think very profound, I have to include it as one of my favorite parts:

“One sin brought condemnation on all, and through one death, redemption came for all.  …..He could break the bread that last night with joy and thanksgiving because He was already looking at the outcome.  He wasn’t focused on death (or the scourging, or the spitting, or the judgment, or the climb carrying the beam, or the nails being pounded into His flesh), but on the JOY set before Him.  The joy set before Him was me!  It was us! 

And what does He ask of us?  Thanksgiving.  The recognition of what He did, the way He made, the grace He extended, the LIFE more abundant that we have because of His obedience to the Father.  If that isn’t something to be eternally madly, crazily thank for, I don’t know what is.”

Our Prodigal Daughter & My Prayer For Her

 

Our daughter has been heavy on my heart lately.  I still live in a sea of emotions when it comes to her – I seem to rock from anger, to sinking with guilt, to spreading my arms wide enjoying the peace as the wind brushes my face (insert Titanic moment with good ol’ Leo & the so beautiful Kate Winslet).

At times I feel so angry with her & her rebellious spirit.  My attitude & thoughts of her mother & her mother’s boyfriend far surpass anger & borderline on pure hatred.  I hate hating them.  I am no better than them.  I have my own wicked ways, but I have chosen to walk with the Lord who continues to purge me of them (daily!)  Then I am reminded of Ephesians 6:12 – the battle really isn’t between us & them or her, but it is between good & evil.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against...the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  NIV

I love the Messages translation of the later part of this verse:

“This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.”

I love how this is found in the same chapter, where just a few verse before lays God’s instruction & promise to children,

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  ‘Honor your father and mother’ – which is the first commandment with a promise – ‘that it may go will with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’ ” Ephesians 6:1-3

Today as I did my Bible study I felt the Lord wrapping His arms around me in a Father comforting his daughter kind of way.  He gave me the bad news . . . Psalm 107:17-18

^“Some are fools [despise wisdom & discipline] through their rebellious ways and suffered affliction [pain] because of their iniquities [sin].  They loathed all food (in Big Daddy’s famous words, “don’t nothing suite them!” ) and drew near the gates of death.

It is expected when our hearts are rebelled against God that we will be subject to a bitter life & it is inevitable that we will stumble.  We should not be surprised when we hear of our daughters mishaps.  Life is meant to be hard when we separate ourselves from God & choose to disobey Him.  As, in my opinion, our daughter has.  But then my Father shared the good news in verses 19 & 20 . . .

“Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and He saved them from their distress.
He sent out his word and healed them; He rescued them from the grave.”

The Amplified version translates the grave as “the pit & destruction.”  As badly as the strong motherly instincts within me so deeply desire to rescue her from her pit of destruction, it is not my job. 

“. . . For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” 2 Chronicles 20:15

Our daughter must cry out to God.  She has to seek His guidance not mine.  I truly believe once she turns her attention to her Heavenly Father, she will become a totally different girl.  She is so brokenhearted with disappointment from her mother.  She carries it with her & allows it to pull her down.  As Lisa Harper says in her book, “A Perfect Mess” – “Our mess is His message . . . God is not watching from a distance He is drawing closer to the brokenhearted people.”  Our daughter is in the midst of her story (His message).  I cannot stand in the way of that – I will trust the Lord will purge her & discipline her in His Time.  He will bring her sins (& those influences that are not ordained by Him) before her.   She must go through this situation to understand that she cannot truly live without God.  I found such reassurance in Miss. Harper’s book, “The wicked won’t last.  They may have their season in the sun when it seems they are on top of the world.  But their days are numbered.  It won’t be long before God yanks those who defy Him out of their abscesses existence.”  Amen!  Then & only then will our daughter claim verses 21 & 22 and share her story . . .

“So thank God for his marvelous love, for his miracle mercy to the children he loves;
   Offer thanksgiving sacrifices, tell the world what he's done—sing it out!”  -The Message

 

My prayer for our daughter (taken partly from “When Mother’s Pray” by Cheri Fuller):

Father God,

You are an awesome God!  You are our ultimate parent.  I pray for your will to be done in our lives.  Lord, you know what we need & you hear our prayers before we’ve spoken.  Forgive us for our sinful ways & selfish desires.  Teaches to be merciful & show others the same grace You have bestowed on us.  Protect us from evil & guard us from temptation. 

Father, you know my heart, you hold all my tears in your hand.  I thank you for the circumstances that have lead us to where we are . . . Our home was a battlefield.  Every boundary we set, every authority we exercised, each time we attempted to hold our daughter accountable, the more she resisted.  Although, you gave her to us, we know that she is yours first.  I did my part Lord, I fed her your word & taught her your ways.  Now I must faithfully lay down my ways, patiently Be Still & allow you to do your part.  I have not written her off, but I will not rescue her.  I trust that You will go after her & save her from destruction.  I pray that whatever may come is all apart of your good plan & will ultimately turn her to You.  Let her see with clear eyes the path that she is on.  Do not allow her to conform to the ways of this world.  Separate her from any influences that are not ordained by You.  This is your battle Lord, avenge them speedily!  I pray that those who would lure her into evil will lose interest & flee from her.  I also pray that you will hedge her in so she won’t be able to contact those who are out of Your will.

Your word promises us that you work everything out, even this situation, for good.  I understand nature’s seasons; I know it is time to wait.  Fill us with assurance that you won’t delay one moment longer than is necessary.  Give us the faith we need to be lean not on our own understandings, but to trust in you.  You are mighty to save – hear our prayers Father & rescue our daughter.

A Plan Stan!

So, school started great.  Took a quick turn for the worst in November when my lil’ buckaroo got sick.  Then it was downhill all of December.  January rolled around, a new year brought a little bit of hope, & I slowly, very slowly began to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Now that I no longer feel like I am driving into a head-on collision, I decided it was time to get the map back out & come up with a plan.  Oh how I love knowing where I’m going.  We all get lost in life, accidents are bound to happen, & every now & then we may feel a little lost, but sometimes if we just STOP & ask for directions (from God!!), the route we are on seems to make so much more sense.  God has been telling me for quite some time now to just BE STILL.  It has been so hard not to make any commitments or plans.  It seriously irks me to look at an empty calendar, but I’ve had enough blow-outs to know that the true plan is “The Man’s” (above). 

God is so faithful!  Sometimes we often complain that the road we are has too many bumps or ditches to fall in.  Other times we may feel like God’s speed is not our own.  Many times I have felt like the AC was out & life was just unbearable.  Then there are the darkest seasons, where life is just chilling.  You are so cold in the inside, numb to the world.  But if you just STOP.  Turn the radio off & listen.  Our tour guide is more than willing to show us the way. 

All that to say, I gotta plan!  I’m ready to fasten my seat belt & rare-up my engine.  My little sister is graduating VALIVICTORIAN (ahem!!!!)  from high school the end of May.  The plan has been for us to head to Tennessee & stay most of the month preparing for all the big events.  I am so excited!!!  So, we gotta get our groove on & get this show on the road!  Meaning, we gots some schoolin’ to catch up on.  We put the petal to the metal this past month, doubled up on some of our core subjects, threw a few out the window (never looking back) & faithfully got ‘er done!  Now that we are back on track I am ready for some mile markers :)

Math:  Tyler will finish Teaching Textbook Math 5, T & T will finish MUS Primer no later than April.  I haven’t decided if they will start the Alpha book right away or if I’ll just wait until we get back in June.

Reading:  Same as planned.  Just going with the flow.  No major changes or plans as of yet.

Writing:  They should all finish Write Shop by the beginning of May.  We should be able to keep the pace of 1 lesson every day & may have to double up the last week or so, but I’m not sweatin’ it until April.

Language:  T&T love First Language Lessons.  I see this as a bonus – we finish when we finish.  Hopefully, we will be to the half way marker by April & totally done well before September.

Grammar: Tyler will finish Analytical Grammar Jr. by the end of March.

Spelling:  I’m not too sure Sequential Spelling is the thing for us.  We are a hit & miss with this curriculum.  I have something else in mind, but probably won’t change anything until we start a new school year.  I have not started a formal spelling with the mustangs.

History & Science:  Tyler will not be doing the entire year of Sea & Sky.  I’ve thought long & hard about finishing it or starting new & decided to stop after week 27.  The last nine weeks we will being skipping cover adventures in space & astronomy, which Tyler has already studied in our enrichment classes last year.  Our itinerary now looks something like this:  February - Pirates, March - American Ship building, & April - 20th Century Ships.  Feb thru April he will be studying ocean biomes. 

T&T will not complete all of Hideaways in History either.  In February, they will take a little break & join Tyler for some fun Pirate activities.  Then will continue our hideaways until April.  This schedule worked out just as good as my plan for Tyler because where we will be stopping (American history) we will pick up next year, just using a different curriculum that includes all of them.  What was I thinking splitting them up?!

We will take the whole month of May off from everything!  During the hot Texas heat in June, July, & August they will all lightly hit Adventures in the air (this will take us from early aviation pioneers to world travel & sonic speed) & begin learning about types of weather & forecasting weather. 

There it is.  My directions for the remainder of our school year.  Let’s see if we make it to our destination or end up in a completely unexpected place.  Either way, God is in control & I can’t imagine where we’d be if He weren’t directing our path. 

Are you where you expected to be?  Are you still heading in the same direction you planned from the beginning or has your road split a few times along the way as well?

Friday

Friday I walked through doors every mother dreads .  .  . Doors that read the dreary words:

“Blood Disorder & Cancer Patients”

I’d lie if I told you that I haven’t had this sick to my stomach – on the verge of tears at any moment feeling deep inside my stomach the past few weeks.  BUT I can’t even begin to describe the PEACE that surpasses all understanding.  The peace that I clung to in order to hold back the river of tears my eyes were filled with each time Truman’s temperature read 104+.  That same peace I gripped with all my might as I confidently walked through those doors.

The truth is, Truman is a very sick baby.  I recently posted about my returning to blogging & just as soon as I did my 18 month old was struck with fever AGAIN!  This would make his third illness in less than two months.  The last couple of months he has had fever more than not.  In fact, he has not made it longer than 10 days without a fever.  To see him so sick so often & have those mommy instincts the Lord equipped us with running full force is completely heart-breaking.  I have prayed for healing, for wisdom for the doctors, for understanding of the bigger picture.  And I know without a doubt it will all come in His TIME!  Yes, the Lord is giving me quite the lesson in TIME lately.  :)

Although the Hematologist referred us to a couple different specialist, he also gave us an answer to our prayers – He does NOT need to see Truman as a patient.  After reviewing his records & studying his blood work, he assured us that Truman does NOT have Leukemia or any blood disorders!! 

PRAISE GOD!!

Friday, I walked out of those doors with an overflowing amount of thanksgiving, but at the same time my heart just broke for the mothers I passed in the hall.  The mother’s that aren’t as fortune.  The mommy’s that are carrying their sweet innocent bald babies who are fighting for their life.  May God Bless them in their heart wrenching journey & may each of their stories bring glory to the Almighty Physician.  I couldn’t help but pray as I passed each one.  Feeling an enormous amount of guilt for the relief that overcame me as I all but ran out of those doors – knowing that they did not receive the same news when they first entered those doors.  Inside those doors is so sad.  Please pray for those families.

Please pray for Truman too.  He is doing well now.  Well, for the most part.  We are trying very hard to get him to gain weight (which is like pulling teeth) & I am happy to report – despite his continuous illnesses - he did manage to gain a pound in one week!!!!  He is officially 20 pounds.  Specifically pray for heeling.  It would be nice for God to grant the doctors the wisdom to figure out what is going on with him, but more importantly I just don’t want to see my baby hurt anymore.  I know God is giving Truman his own little story so I’m willing to trust more in Him than my own understanding.  I pray we travel this path in a way that will glorify Him – wherever that path may lead.  He is the same today as He was Friday and I wrest assured that He will be the same tomorrow!

Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. — Philippians 4:6 NRSV

TIME

This place we are at is so sad.  The intensity & mixture of emotions is overwhelming at times.  As one of my friends described, “my eyes are flooded with tears.”  BUT, I do have a sense of peace deep within.  Although I do NOT understand it, I know this is God's timing.  Many have asked “what happened?”  Others have judged us without any understanding of what we are doing.  So, how did we get here?  Well, there were circumstances that led us here, but those are just the cause, not the reason . . .

*Please bare with me as I try to share my heart with you & tell the great things God is doing to show me He is in control.  My heartaches & my mind is racing, but I feel lead to share with you how good God is even when things seem out of control.  He has used several people & circumstances to speak to me & I am slowly seeing how it all comes together.  I pray the Lord allows me share what is on my heart in away that you may understand & that will bring Him glory.

About a week ago my sister called & asked me if I would help her with one of her school projects.  I excitedly agreed & asked what we’d be working on.

“TIME”

She explained that she had to create a canvas on TIME.  We began to discuss possible themes, but little did I know this was not some crafty project for me to play with.  This was the Lord whispering in my heart & I just didn’t know it at that time.

Fast forward to a couple of days ago.  Taylor & I were having a disagreement (nothing extraordinary from our usual issues with her).  Later that night she was on the phone with her mom telling her how horrible I was & I asked her, “Why am I the only one you stay angry with?  Why am I the only one that isn't allowed to make any mistakes?"  She looked at me straight in the face, her heart hardened right before my eyes . . .  I'm not sure what exactly she said because it hurt so bad my heart literally fell on the ground & a piece of me died right there.  She told me how deep inside her was this hate for me that she just couldn't get rid of . . . How I made her sick.  I could just see it.  She was gone.  My time with her was done.  The tone of her voice & the look on her face spoke louder than the words that came out of her mouth.  I felt like there was a spiritual battle going on in my kitchen & right at that very moment the devil had a hold of her heart.  I ran outside crying.  Fell to my knees & cried out to God.  I poured my heart out to Him. When I finally returned to the house I told Tim & Taylor both that I was done & that it was time for her to call her mom.  Tim cried, but stood right behind me.  He told her he didn't know what else I could do or what either of us could do differently, but he wasn't going to allow her to tear our home apart like this any longer.  We both told her we loved her & would be praying for her, but it was time.

At first I didn’t understand all of this at.all.  I couldn’t have even explained what happened for a few days.  Sunday at church our preacher spoke on 1 John.  He told the story of Pharaoh & the plagues.  As I listened to him tell how Pharaoh repeatedly refused to obey God & each time his heart was hardened I gained my first glimpse of what the Lord was doing in our home.  I had words to put with what had happened the night before. 

Then as I read through each of the comments on my last post, I found such comfort in the comment one of you left:

You have been doing what the Bible instructs parents to do - raise your daughter to know the LORD and to obey His Word. She needs to know that she is a sinner - like we all are - and that she needs a Savior. Then she needs to know that once you make that commitment to Christ, there are some rules to follow - not that we will be perfect at following them - but that we are to strive for and love perfect obedience to our Savior. And for children that obedience to the Savior includes obedience to our parents as our authority covering. I'm thankful that God loves your little girl so much more than you ever could, and I know that He will be working in her life even harder. This is His plan though our understanding is not. And His plans are always perfect and will be brought to completion.
I will pray for you all for peace and acceptance of His plan, that the other side of the tapestry will be revealed in all its glory when the time is right.

THANK YOU!!  It was almost as if you looked deep inside my heart & spoke the words I could not find.  I hope you know dear friend that the Lord used you to speak to me.  Many blessings!

The past few days have been very sad.  I was struggling with feeling like I failed.  Tim was consumed with worry & fear.  Then a friend called me . . .

Back up several months ago.  A close friend of mine had asked me if I would help her pick out some curriculum for her to do a state study.  She didn’t feel comfortable with what she was using because it wasn’t from a Christian perspective.  What I picked out solved that problem & appeared to be within her financial means.  A couple weeks pasted & I asked her if she had ordered her curriculum.  Disappointedly she explained something had come up & she hadn’t been able.  Well, I had been blessed with several photoshoots & was pondering what to do with 10% of my earnings.  I was planning on tithing it, but God told me to order curriculum for her instead.  The total was almost exact to the 10%.  Her curriculum arrived & she was exasperated with the blessing.  It was the Lord is all I told her. 

. . . She called a couple days ago & explained that they had just begun their study & she had to read me the introduction which began with a brief reference to Ecclesiastes 3:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace.

. . . these times are ordained by God Himself & are not under our control.  These are His times.  It is evident in Lydia’s *salvation that even the time of our mourning over sin & turning to Christ is one of His times in our lives.

He has ordained all the times in our lives.  There is no such thing as chance, luck, or accident in the Christian journey.  Our times of planting, sewing, laughter, sorrow, mourning, and financial prosperity or loss are under His control.  If we look to Him during these times we eventually truly see that He has made everything beautiful in His time.

All things work together for good to them that love God to them who are called according to his purpose”  Romans 8:28

Because we know that God is providentially controlling the events of our lives & we know that his hand of providence is guided by his heart of love we are able to do as we are instructed in Psalms 41:10  “Be Still & Know that I am God”.

*This was taken from the introduction of the Texas State History curriculum from State History From a Christian Perspective.

I have to tell you the peace that came over me almost instantly as she read this to me.  God was no longer whispering, He was clearly speaking loud & clear.  You see, these scriptures were the 2 scriptures that I clinged to when Tim’s mom died.  The first passage I picked out & added to the video I made for her funeral:

The other scripture was the basis for the message preached at her funeral.  This woman was not just my mother-in-law, she was my best friend.  She was a major part of all of our lives.  I love her soooo much & miss her tremendously.  When my friend shared these scriptures with me it was much needed confirmation that God was at work in our family.

To some it may seem like we have thrown our daughter to the wolves.  To others it may appear that we have given up on her.  A few assume we don’t want her anymore. 

None of this is in our hearts.  We love our daughter very much.  Living with her mother has been something she has wanted for a very long time now.  So it is not like we have washed our hands of her & sent her away.  We have not given up on her.  We have given her to the Lord.  Just as the father of the prodigal son had to let his son go, we must let our daughter go.

*Over the last few days I have struggled with what exactly to pray for.  The only thing I truly know without a doubt is to pray for her salvation.  It honestly is not important where she lives or who she lives with here on earth.  The most important thing is that she learns to live for a much bigger purpose.  We are not meant to be comfortable on this earth or to become of this world.  Our focus should be on our heavenly home with our Father in heaven.  So wherever she is.  Whatever happens, my prayer is that it all works to a greater good & serves as a part of His plan.

“In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will”  Ephesians 1:11

The Lord has used so many people to open my eyes, to allow me to see His presence, & feel Him at doing what He does best – Being God.  In complete control.  I’m not certain of very much & there is still a lot I don’t understand, but I promise you, He is at work in our daughter’s life & I feel something big is going to happen.  Tonight as I read other posts from blogs in my reader I heard the Lord speaking one more time.  McMama posted this quote from Francis Chan at the end of one of her posts today,

“It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are. But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that he didn’t call you there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and superficial peace…God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through”

There was no doubt in my mind that God brought Taylor to our house when He did 5 years ago.  Her coming to live with us was an answered prayer, a total God Thing.  And now her leaving has left us in a situation where our child will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through.  We are unafraid to trust God completely with our child.  I refuse to question or doubt my faithful loving Father.  I trust that He is in control & that He will work it all out - in His time. 

Enough

Do you ever have enough?  The other day I overheard Trevor yelling at his brother, “Tucker!!  That is enough & I mean it!!”  Where on earth did he get that from.  Ahem! 

Yes, I have had enough at times & I meant it.

I take my job as a mommy very seriously & when someone insults my mommy skills it is rather hard to swallow.  I’m kinda sensitive like that.  Although I know I’m not perfect, I don’t really like to be told that & after hearing a list of all my mistake I kinda get enough of it . . .

I consider myself a GOOD mommy.  In fact, I’d say I am a VERY GOOD mommy.  Good, but not perfect.  I love my kids very much.  There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them.  They are my life!  However, I make mistakes – daily.  Hopefully, nothing too psychologically damaging.  In addition to taking my motherhood seriously, I also take my journey with God very seriously.  I love Jesus.  I love spending time with Him.  I love sharing about Him with my kids.  However, I fail daily at my Christ-like characteristics.  I try wholeheartedly to put the armor of God on & posses the fruits of the Spirit & each day I fall flat on my face!  But I try!!

During a rough time in being the other mom, I was continually feeling attacked.  A statement was made that attacked the kind of mom I am.  The statement really upset me, but so did my response unfortunately. 

The person making this statement was implying that I think I’m better than her.  Absolutely!  But only according to worldly standards.  In God’s eyes I think He was more disappointed in me than her.  Unfortunately, my response was not Christ-like, even though at the time I thought it was.  Instead of giving some therapeutic reflecting response like, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  or “So what I hear you saying . . .”  I took the sword of the spirit & stabbed my accuser right in the heart!  Sure did.  Romans 8:31 to be exact.  And almost instantly, God began to hold that stinkin’ mirror in my face.  Sure thang!  That night I could hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me  . . .

“Tiffany, you used my precious scripture to one up a fallen child of mine.  I love her just as I love you.  You did not use the sword of the spirit to fight MY battle, you used it to fight your own.  She is not the enemy my child.  I see your heart & I know you love Me.  Let that be enough.”

I am so glad He doesn’t get enough of me!

Super Woman

What are you . . .

What kind of woman are you? 

What kind of wife are you? 

What kind of mother are you? 

We are all guilty of it from time to time . . . trying to be “Super Mom” comparing ourselves to others, over extending ourselves, putting unbelievable amounts of pressure upon our shoulders . . . 

While on this journey of life I have come to realize that there is no such thing as a “Super Woman” off any kind.  Instead of trying to fly, I have put my cape down & fallen to my knees & begged my Lord to help me become a  Godly women! I fail daily, but He doesn’t.  His grace & mercy amaze me.  Life is so much better when you are living for Him & His approval rather than the worlds.  There is no such thing as a “Super Woman” – it is impossible.  But when we make God the center of our lives, marriages, home(school), & parenting the rest falls into place. 

Several weeks back, at our Curriculum Show & Tell, I sat in a room & listened to a group of wonderful women offer some fantastic tips.  Here is the list I returned home with:

1. God 1st, husband next, then kids.
2. Don’t compare yourself to others!
3. Let your family be who God wants them to be.
4. Accountability is a necessity.
5. Learn Scripture. TOGETHER!
6. School is NOT Life!! (This can apply not only to homeschool families, but all families.)

For so much of my life, my marriage, & my motherhood I have strived to be PERFECT – “Super Woman,”  but God has tenderly (& NOT so tenderly at times) showed me that it is far more satisfying to be a Godly woman.  I will never be perfect.  I am sinful little thing.  Seriously!  But I so badly want to be the Proverbs My marriage would be such a mess without God.  I am by far the perfect wife & honestly, I don’t think I like her anyway.  I do however, admire a Godly wife to my very core.  My poor kids.  I love them so much.  How did I get chosen to be their mom.  WOW!  I’m no super mom, but what a blessing it will be if someday they look back & say they had a Godly mom. 

Oh, Lord my God, I need Your help.  Through You ALL things are possible.  Please mold me & to be like You.  Teach me Your ways.  Put the desire in my heart so that I may be a Godly daughter that brings glory to her Father.

I loose it.  He shows me where it is.  And WE put it back together, together.

Chosen

Sometimes I just wear myself out! I get so caught up in trying to make everyone else happy I become discouraged. I loose sight of WHO I should truly be looking for confirmation from. Sometimes I forget to make God the center of it all. Sometimes I forget that He chose ME! I take others opinions to heart & wear my emotions on my sleeve. Today was one of those days.

Tonight, I sit in a quiet room, trying to refocus on what GOD has called me to do for HIS purpose. I have been judged, compared to others, overlooked, unappreciated, refused, & taken-advantage of . . . But I try to remember that I have also been chosen! HE chose me to be their mom, HE brought her to MY house, HE gave them to ME, HE made me his wife, HE guided me to be their teacher, HE chose me as His daughter, HE chose me for His purpose, HE CHOSE ME!

I have 2 options – I can sit around & have a pity-party for myself or I can find strength & empowerment from my God. Without HIM I am so broken. Sometimes, I question God. Sometimes I even think maybe He made a mistake. Me? Really?!

I want so badly to let go & let God – to surrender & put my trust COMEPLETELY in HIM. I want give him all my anxiety. I want my worth to come from HIM, not other’s opinions of me. His plan is far greater than I can see & much better than my own plans or the plans others try to put upon me.

Sometimes I allow others opinions to cloud my understandings of the work God has called me to do. Other times my own self-doubts gets in the way. I feel ill-equiped to handle my circumstances & other times I feel like it is more than I can handle.

For the past 5 weeks I have been doing a women’s Bible study, ANOINTED TRANSFORMED REDEEMED – A Study of David, by P. Shirer, B. Moore, & K. Arthur (AMAZING, by the way!). This post is a compilation of my notes from the first week – I find it so fitting for my mood tonight. I am working on committing to please God & not others. I am constantly reminding myself that He purposefully put me in these situations with these circumstances with these children so that I will have to surrender & depend on HIM to accomplish these tasks.

Being a mom is so difficult & homeschooling adds a greater challenge to the daily tasks. As homeschoolers we often set ourselves on the frontlines & are open for misled judgments & scrutiny – sometimes it is hard to stand firm in such opposition. As I begin to second guess my calling & doubt my capabilities, I refocus on my goals. Having the smartest children is not my ultimate goal of homeschooling, revealing Christ to my children is! I cannot successfully run my home trying to please everyone (inside & out). It is impossible! My children were entrusted to my husband & I. The most important thing is that they see God’s love in me & my obedience to my God.

Have you felt unworthy of the tasks that God has set before you? Have you allowed others to cause you to doubt your own capabilities? Do you feel discouraged? If so I encourage you to STAND FIRM IN THE LORD! He knows the end from the beginning. Pour your heart out to Him & remember God is in control! God doesn’t make mistakes! He chose you too!

“It is not that we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God.” “2 Cor. 3:5

It is well . . .

 

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.                                                                                                    2 Corinthians 4:17-18 

Peace

It is well, Jesus has overcome

Victory is won. 

I will rise when He calls my name. 

No more sorrow, no more pain.

Before my God, fall on my knees & rise

My faith shall be my eyes.  

I will RISE!

New Again

One cold night in a manger a young woman gave birth to a baby boy . . . her first baby boy, our Savior.  Happy Birthday Jesus!

 

Mother - do not cry for me
All of this is exactly how it's supposed to be
I'm right here. Can you hear my voice?
My life, my love, my Lord....my baby boy

As they nail me to this tree
Just know my Father waits for me
God how can this be your will?
To have your son and my son killed?

Whatever happens...whatever you see...
Whatever your eyes tell you has become of me
This is not...
Not the end...
I am making all things new again

I remember when you were born
In that manger where I first held
You in my arms
So many miracles and lives you've changed
And this world repays you how?
With all this pain

Merry CHRISTmas!!

The Cacoon . . . STRUGGLE.

A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon. On that day, a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the moth for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.

Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. It just seemed to be stuck. Then the man, in his kindness, decided to help the moth, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining big of the cocoon. The moth then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the moth because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

It was never able to fly.

What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening was the way of forcing fluid from the body of the moth into its wings, so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Freedom and flight would only come after struggle.

By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of health.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If we were to go through out life without any obstacles, we would be crippled.

We would not be as strong as what we could have been.

It is so hard to remember this at times & especially hard when we see those we love struggle, & even harder when we struggle with them (IE: Our children). It is important to remember God has a plan & unfortunately in this sinful world - struggle is apart of it - each of us will experience times of suffering. It usually hits when we least expect it - just when we think life is perfect -everything changes.

Our lives & parenting is much like that of the butterfly or moth - we may not gain our heavenly wings without enduring life's struggles first.

"But those who suffer He delivers in their suffering; He speaks to them in their affliction." Job 36:15
"Blessed are those who endure when they are tested. When they pass the test, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

The Battle Belongs To The Lord

Do you ever feel completely exhausted? Totally worn out?

Almost every day by 4pm I am tired. There are more nights than I want to admit that I am even too tired to read a bedtime story or say prayers with my children. I'm not always "too tired" physically, sometimes it is emotionally. I am done - I just want my Outlaws to go to bed & I want my quiet time. I'm just tired.

A few weeks ago I received an e-mail, "The Battle Belongs to the Lord," from a mom on the TOG yahoo group I belong to. Unfortunately, I was asked not to post it to my blog, but this e-mail was so touching I have to share the idea. In the e-mail a mom listed several of the battles she is facing with homeschooling her children & another mom responded "The Battle Belongs to the Lord".

Do you ever grow tired with your homeschooling journey? Have you started the count down to summer break? Or are you worn out from constant battles with your children? What are you tired of?

I'm going to keep it real because so often when the storm hits our house, we tend to think we are the only ones. From the outside looking in at other moms & families we may see "Super Mom" or "The Perfect Family".

I get tired too! Totally & completely emotionally exhausted. Thank goodness my kids aren't all challenging at the same time - they take turns. However, every so often one gets out of control & needs a good ol' reality check - which means more work for me.

It is these times that bring me to my knees after reminding myself that no one is perfect & there isn't such a thing as "Super Mom". Only the Lord is perfect! As His children all we can do is strive to be like Him each day. To let our lights shine, to trust in Him, NOT to lean on our own understanding -- It isn't my battle to fight. The Battle belongs to the Lord. The fact of the matter is we ALL face struggles - even homeschoolers. We ALL grow tired every now & then & need a little wrest, wrest in the Lord.

I love this song by 2 Moms


My Prayer:

Here I am again, Lord, bowing down before You
asking You to help me out somehow.
God, You say You know my thoughts before I even think them,
Then You know just what I'm thinking now

I am tired and oh, so weary.
Renew my strength, renew my strength,
For when I am weak, You say that You will be strong,
And I need Your strength to help me carry on.

They greet me at the door with pictures that they've colored.
With excitement in their eyes, they say "let's play!"
And I feel a tinge of guilt knowing I am so exhausted
'cause the best of me's been spent throughout the day.

I am tired and oh, so weary.
Renew my strength, renew my strength,
For when I am weak, You say that You will be strong,
And I need Your strength to help me carry on.