Today, I’m hiding about 20 of these all over my house:
5 pink ones for Taylor
5 orange ones for Tyler
5 yellow ones for Tucker
5 green ones for Trevor
These aren’t really for my kids, they are for me!
I have been really really trying to be more of an encouraging mom than a critical mom. I am working hard at developing a strong relationship with a couple of my “challenging” children & strengthening my relationship with my “not-so challenging” kids. It is a lot of work to focus on one child that really needs you & is having a difficult time, without abandoning the reality that they ALL need you. Building & repairing one relationship, while maintaining & strengthening others is a true work out!
When we began counseling with Taylor several months ago her counselor gave me a little homework. She handed me a printout from Dr. Ray Levy for “Explosive & Defiant Children & Adolescents: A New Approach for Creating Change. She also suggested that I read this book:
This book has been wonderful for me! (more reviews on it later) One of the suggested strategies is to hide sticky notes all over the house (or classroom for school teachers) to remind you to use acknowledgements. You are to use a 10 to 1 ratio. For every 1 negative comment or interaction there needs to be 10 positive acknowledgements. This sounds easy, but it really isn’t. Especially when that 1 negative is a HUGE negative & you are super upset & the last thing you want to do is acknowledge something good in that child that just rolled their eyes at you, ripped your heart out, & then stomped on it repeatedly! Difficult – YES! Necessary – ABSOLUTELY!! What a difference this has made. On the flip side of it – it has also made me put my foot in my mouth more often. I find myself asking, “Okay, if you open your big fat mouth, you are going to have to back it up with 10 positives!!” I especially hold back if it is late in the day. Try finding 10 positives or even 5 when it is 8pm & bed time is at 8:30pm!!
Anyway, the stickies . . . Put sticky notes with smiley faces all over your house. When you see them go find the child (mine are color coded for multiple children) & comment on their behavior. The most important part is commenting & getting out immediately – Hit & Run!! Catch them doing something positive & use a positive tone when acknowledging. Exit asap, before a negative acknowledgement is necessary! They are tricky little ones they are! It is important not to praise the child, “you are being a good boy.” Rather, acknowledge the behavior, “Wow! I love the way you are playing quietly.” or “I am so proud of how hard you have worked on this . . .” or just acknowledge that you noticed. I have learned that there is a big difference between praising my kids & acknowledging them. Dr. Levy compares the two in his book,
“Praise: A comment on the child’s desired/appropriate behavior that also includes a value judgment or feeling from the commentator.
Acknowledgement: A description of the child’s desired/appropriate behavior. Must be specific and without value or feeling statements. Give as a hit-and-run (say quickly & exit the scene or be quiet).”
I have learned the importance of my kids knowing that I notice the good things that they do & not just the things that they don’t do (Ex. making their beds). Negative comments don’t even necessarily have to be a put down – any type of correction to a child, especially a naturally defiant child, is considered negative to them.
This whole system sounds so easy & you may think you are already feeding your child’s emotional tank plenty, but I challenge you to take inventory this week. What is your positive to negative ratio? What amazing things did your children do this week that were worth acknowledging?
